Sinead's Story

I never thought in a million years, I'd ever have an abortion. I am married, I have had two children, unfortunately, my youngest died shortly after birth, due to a autosomal recessive disorder. During my pregnancy with her, I had no idea she was so sick. My OB never caught on to the red flags my own body was presenting.

After she was born, and we were given the news of her condition, it broke our hearts. We wanted her so much. All of our hopes and dreams were crushed. A part of us died, too.

After over a year of grieving, and lots of thinking and talking, we decided to try again. Nobody could have prepared me for what I would feel after I learned I was pregnant. The overwhelming fear was indescribable. It felt like I had lost my daughter all over again, not to mention, the fear of having a child with severe mental and physical handicaps. It just scared me so much.

My husband and I wanted this baby so much, as well. But, I just couldn't handle the fear. So, I sat him down, explained to him as best as I could. I told him I needed to terminate the pregnancy, otherwise, I couldn't be a good mother to the child we already had, or a good wife to him, and that wasn't fair to any of us.

Although, I will admit, he didn't agree with my decision, he didn't stop me, either. I know I broke his heart. I know it crushed him.

I had the abortion. For me, personally, it was a relief. I felt like I was giving this special gift back to God, for safe keeping, instead of bringing into this world, without a chance for a quality life.

I kept remembering back to when our daughter was in the hospital, connected to all kinds of tubes, hoses, and machines. I kept thinking how cruel that was for her. It was unfair to her. I couldn't bring another child into this world who could possibly have had the same outcome as their sister.

My husband tells me I chose abortion out of selfish reasons. I disagree, but, if loving my family, and wanting to protect them from the pain and sadness that we went through with our 2nd daughter is selfish, then so be it.

I do not regret having the abortion. The only thing I regret is that I realized my fears at the expense of my child, but, I don't really think it was an expense. I believe that God wants our children back if we are unable to care for them in way that they deserved to be care for. So many children are born into broken homes, only to be abused in so many ways. I think God would much rather have them back, than for them to be treated unkindly.

26 September 2002

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