Ronnie's Story

At 19 while attempting to leave an abusive relationship, I discovered, to my great dismay, I was pregnant. The penis-owning homosapien I fell for was 14 years my senior and i later discovered I was just another in a long line of very young lovers/girlfriends - I was 17 when i met him, and 18 before it was serious. A virgin until 18, I was very responsible in using some type of birth control (over the counter) as the penis-owning individual I was "in love" with was against the use of hormonal birth control due to the possible side affects it could possibly cause my body in the long run. Yeah, right, was I stupid! The pill was the most reliable form of birth control I could obtain over which he would have no control; therefore he manipulated the data and twisted it into an "I care about your well being" type bullshit. What the birth control thing eventually boils down to is control, not only of my mind, but also of my body. But, that's a whole other story itself.

Anyway, as he also eventually controlled the $$$$ on hand, even though I did make the majority of the income, after a while, I had no access to even over the counter measures, so knowing my cycle (he knew it better than me -- I am extremely regular --- menarche at 12 and not a cycle missed until the fateful day). He decided the Pull-out method was the way to go.

After a thwarted attempt at ending the relationship --- I was threatened with death and harm/death to those i cherished most if I left --- in the "honeymoon" period that followed, we had sex. At that particular time we both knew I was generally fertile with the full moon, and I was extremely apprehensive about pursuing intercourse during this time. He wooed me with promises of early withdrawal and finishing everything up in "other ways," so I relented. Sometimes, it's easier to just lie there than to take a punch.

Needless to say, when the climax time arrived (I could always tell) the promises promises of "protection" disappeared. And of course, I was just so good, he couldn't help himself!! Though I was pissed and afraid, I put it out of mind and waited anxiously for my Friend who never arrived. It took me years to view this encounter (one of many) as RAPE, as I was willing in the beginning. I begged him to be careful and please please pull-out, but was ignored and pinned in a position which allowed me no recourse but to submit. I believe NO! STOP! DON'T! means just that, no matter the point of progression of any given act. Therefore, I WAS RAPED!!

Regardless of the view I have of the incident leading up to my decision to abort, I have never had any regrets, second thoughts or misgivings. I made the best decision available for me and my unborn child as its father already had 2 other children whom he did not, and does not, support.

My family was supportive of the decision and assisted financially in obtaining the service, but it's not exactly a subject which comes up for discussion. Other than my husband, now of 6 years, no one knows of the events leading up to the abortion or of the abortion itself. The sorry ass excuse of a person who caused the abortion suspects, but does not know for certain. But I'm beginning to feel that is going to change in the near future. I want him to know how he hurt not only me, but an innocent soul whom the world will never know. And I will take great pleasure in his pain, anger and his total inability to control ME!

It's easier now to talk about it, but living in the South, I often have to leave the room if certain topics surface. I'm not to the point I can openly discuss the event when the cause arises, but I’m getting there.

I feel this is a most excellent step in that direction, and I sincerely thank you all for this wonderful forum and other on-line services available on FEM.COM!!

Again, my deepest thanks! I feel stronger now.

December 1997

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