Nikki's Story

I found out I was pregnant a week before I started my senior year of High School.

I was 17 when I lost my virginity. We didn't use any protection. I found out I was pregnant a little less than two months later, right before I started my Senior year of high school. My boyfriend cried with me all night.

I never told my parents. My mom would have made me keep that baby. I knew there was no way I and my boyfriend could ever support a child. I needed to go to college. My dad left when I was 5 and I knew what it was like to live without a dad in a broken family. I want my child to have everything I didn't and there was no way to do that at 17. 

I skipped school and my girl friends took me to the clinic. I didn't let my boyfriend come. I didn't want him to be in any more pain then he already was...he took it hard. A nurse held my hand and I could feel the suction of the vacuum inside me. I sobbed on the cold metal table. I cried for an hour afterwards. I recovered for a while, then went home. My mom has no idea.

Everyone in my high school found out somehow. The girls who had babies called me "babykiller" to my face in the hall. I lost friends. I lost my boyfriend because I was depressed and dragging him down with me so I dumped him to save him. I told all my friends I was fine.

I escaped to college 75 miles away. I tell no one here about it. I care less about my body and myself... I feel like I don't deserve much... kind of like I'm "damaged goods." The guys I date here try to get close and I don't let them. I have problems with depression. I need to go to a counselor but I'm too scared. I don't know who to trust with this... some people think I've sinned.. but I think I did what was best for the baby. I'll always believe that, but it doesn't make waking up in the morning any easier.

My baby would be a year old this April 11. I try to forget that date but I can't. I'll remember it until the day I die.

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