Lizzy's Story

I found your website and knew right away I wanted to share my experience.

March 15th I found out I was pregnant. I took two tests to make sure. The tests say wait up to 3 minutes for results to be conclusive--my tests turned positive within 10 seconds. I stood there -- in shock. All I could think of was "no," that my life was over, that all control over my personal decisions had somehow been taken away.

I talked about the pregnancy with my man and he said he would support whatever choice I made. At first I said I was keeping it. I didn't think I could go through an abortion. So we began making plans. I found myself in this emotional fog. I was making the attempt to convince myself I was happy with this pregnancy, that I wanted this pregnancy, when all along all I could really think over and over was I felt I was being invaded by some being I did NOT want inside of me--that my life was over--that I had 9 more months of freedom. I countered this nagging thought with thoughts of "I'll deal with it all later--after it arrives." Deal with it later? That's the exact same thought that enabled me to go through with my first marriage.

4 days later, after finding out I was pregnant, I broke down and began to cry after I arrived home from work. I told my man I couldn't go through with it. I wasn't ready to be a mom. I wasn't ready to commit myself for life to him just yet. I think I cried for two hours. Saying, "I want to have an abortion" was the hardest thing I have EVER had to admit to. I hated myself in a way.

The next morning, after talking with 3 girlfriends who had also had abortions in the past, I called a clinic and made the appointment. Two days later I lost my job. After that, I don't remember much of anything until the day of the abortion. I do remember time seemed to creep by very slowly.

The abortion itself was the most painful thing I've ever experienced--physically. I was encouraged to take nitrous oxide and 10 mg. of valium. I finally agreed to take 5 mg of the valium--which did nothing. And I still insisted on not having the laughing gas. I felt I could handle the pain just fine. I was told it was nothing more than an intense menstrual cramp. I've had those, so I thought I would be fine. Well if that pain is equal to an intense menstrual cramp, I certainly have NOT had cramps like that. I was in so much pain, I thought I was going to pass out. It felt so violent. I felt I was being violated and couldn't do anything about it. It felt like someone was ripping my insides apart. And despite having wonderful support from the nurse and my man who both held my hands and helped me breathe through it, the pain was unbearable. And yet I also think in a way it helped take my mind off of what was actually happening, if that makes any sense.

After the abortion, I was lead into the recovery room. I was dizzy so they had to help me into bed. There were other women in the room, so my man couldn't stay with me. I hated that--I did not want to be left alone. I was so afraid--and so confused. it was awful. anyway, so I laid in bed and to keep myself from losing it emotionally, I traced the bedrail over and over for several minutes. At least I think that's why I traced it. I just remember doing it automatically.

Within 10 minutes, I felt much better physically. 20 minutes afterwards, I was briefly examined and then lead to the bathroom to change. I lost it in there--emotionally. I cried for a bit, then walked out into the waiting room. My man was there and I just fell into his body and let him lead me out.

That night, I felt this HUGE relief. I also found myself hungry for the first time in a month. (I was 6 weeks along and feeling nauseous throughout the day. And man, my breasts felt huge and heavy--and I'm not big by any standards.) I fell asleep around 11pm then woke up at 3am--wide awake, starving, so I went and had leftover Chinese food. I was bored, so I got into the computer. I was reading a note from a friend, and she had told me one day I would be united with this unborn child. The thought really comforted me. As I wrote her back telling her so, my dining room lights (chandelier style) all went out. At first I thought power failure--but realized no, the computer was still on. So I went over to the switch, turned it off and then back on and sure enough, the lights came back on. I also felt this presence--like I wasn't alone in the room. It felt almost warm around me. At first it scared the you-know-what out of me, but then it calmed me so much I began to cry. And for the next week, the phone kept ringing and when I would pick it up, there wouldn't be any sound on the other end. I recalled reading that spirits communicate in many ways, often through electricity and through the phone.

It's been almost 3 weeks and I feel as far as accepting what I did and feeling ok about it, I am fine. I've cried whenever I've felt the need. I've prayed a lot. I've sent out thoughts to this being who visited my life so briefly and feel at peace with that. I even had a little ceremony--me and my man--at the beach--as a way of releasing. I feel I'm experiencing some sort of post traumatic stress as a result of the actual procedure. My man and I were making love for the first time since the abortion a couple of days ago and he bumped my cervix. That triggered a flashback and I began to scream inside my head, "you #@*! stop it! you're hurting me!" I also felt I had no control over what was happening to me. I finally regained myself and said, "please stop, that hurts." He immediately stopped, then I withdrew and curled up into a ball and began to cry and rock myself. We spoke about it and he agreed we need to get through this together and i..and he... need to see someone to deal with this.

Even though I have never been raped, that's how it feels like to me. It's the best way I can describe it. And of course what makes it more confusing is that it was my choice, a choice I do not regret in any way.

I'm not sure who the anger is directed to--or even exactly what for that matter. I think it was a feeling of being out of control. Anger over the whole situation--the pregnancy, having to make the choice of keeping or aborting, feeling I was somehow lied to about the amount of pain I experienced, feeling so alone after I was sent to be alone afterwards when all I wanted and needed was to have someone sit next to me, feeling how violent the abortion seemed, feeling so incredibly sad at how easily life can be created and destroyed, feeling so stupid for not being as responsible as I could have been as far as preventing this pregnancy. Many many feelings I'm still trying to piece together.

Ok, I think I've babbled enough. It did help to write this all down. I think maybe it's helped me get a clearer vision of what it is I am dealing with right now.

14 April 1999

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