"My Teenage Deathbed"

By Stephanie Nolasco

Life of a normal teen
I was just a normal teenager growing up in a quiet neighborhood in Ohio. I was a straight A student on the honor roll, leader of a winning chess team, and had lots of great friends. My mom finally got a new job after having a painful divorce from my father and things were going great. I had never felt so alive, but there was just one thing missing from my life. Someone that I can love and cherish with all my heart. I had never even kissed a boy and already I was seventeen. All my friends bragged about having these amazing boyfriends who bought them gifts and beautiful jewelry. Although I hated to admit this, I was just simply jealous. I felt so alone. I believed that I would never find someone to love me or make me feel that I was special. My high school prom was coming up, and so far no one had asked me to go. I began to worry and wondered if I should even go. I mean who would I dance with? Who would kiss me goodnight? What good memories would I get from being alone?

He came into my life.
Eric Macbury was the starting quarterback of our high school football team. He happened to be the most popular guy in our school. Rumors were spreading that he had no date for the prom yet and the girls were going crazy. Wherever he went, some crazy girl would follow him and ask him to be her date, but he would always reply,"I'm not sure, but I'll get back to you."

A couple of weeks later, I went to the library to work on a report that was due. Eric was there doing the same one. His light blue eyes looked at my brown ones and he smiled. I began to blush, but I was sweating like I was running a marathon. He stood up and sat next to me. "You're Janice Larson, right?"

"Yeah."

"Hey, I'm Eric. I've seen you around school. I was hoping that maybe, if you wanna, we can go check out a movie or somethin."

"Su-sure." I stuttered, in shock from what he had just said. Ever since then, Eric and I were going out. Our relationship was getting and stronger and we did almost everything together. He even asked me to the prom! I started becoming popular and I felt like a queen. But only if I knew then that one wrong move would change my life forever.

My first night
It was Saturday evening. My mother had gone away to Chicago on a business meeting. I was home alone, watching MTV. I was extremely bored and was ready to go to sleep. The phone began to ring and I picked it up. It was Eric. He told me that his parents had gone away for their anniversary and he was all alone. He asked me if I wanted him to pick me up so we can go back to his house and do something and of course I said yes. Within a few minutes his car was in front of my porch. He called out and told me to hop in. We both drove away and a few minutes later we were at his house. The lights were off and his smiled glowed the room."Janice, there's something that I wanted to show for awhile. Let's go upstairs and I'll show you."

We both went upstairs and to my dismayed, I saw something beyond my imagination. The room was dark, except strawberry red candles that lighted and scented the room of sweet cream. The bedsheets were made of raw peachy silk, which was covered by white rosepetals. A glass vase was filled with white roses. Eric smiled and pushed me down to the bed. He started kissing me all over. We tore each other's clothes off and he got on top of me. I moaned and grunted while he thrust in and out of me. We made love all night. Although there were times when I wanted to scream from the harsh pain of my tearing muscles, I enjoyed every minute of it.

It never came
My relationship with Eric continued to get stronger every day. I was no longer a virgin and I was damn proud of it. I had a smile from ear to ear each day. I finally found the love of my life, and we had done something that was so amazing and unreal. We had lost our virginity to each other. However, all of the excitement of becoming a woman ended abruptly when a few weeks later, my period never came. I assumed that I was having another of those irregularities. But things grew worse. I constantly threw up every morning and ate things that made me more nauseous. I always wanted to sleep and my breasts were always sore. My cheeks grew puffy and my stomach rippled constantly. I reassured my mother that it was just the flu. I called Eric and told him about it. After school, we both went to the pharmacy and bought a pregnancy test. I wanted to be confident that I was not pregnant, but I wasn't so sure. It had to be the flu. It was my first time. How can you get pregnant on your first time? We both went to his house and closed the bathroom door shut. Half and hour later, my eyes were red and puffy from crying. Eric was pale and unable to speak. The test was positive.

Telling the world
I couldn't hide my secret any longer. I waited for my mother to be in a good mood. That is when I gave her the unpleasant surprise. She was silent and her eyes stared down. She went dead, like a computer shutting off. Her body dropped, like a bag filled with bones, on the living room floor. I started to scream out of horror and I dialed Eric's number. I was nervous and I was unsure of what to do. He came over like a bolt of lightning and brought smelling salt. He waved it in my mother faces and her eyes opened up. She breathed heavily, but my tears kept falling like rain. I didn't know what to do. I felt so lost and confused. I had made my mother suffer. I made her feel this way. Eric thought that my mother and I should talk so he left. My mother got up and stared at me coldly.

"Janice Larson. I never believed that a smart girl like you would do such a stupid thing. I'm tired, just too fucking tired to deal with all this shit in my life. I thought you would be better than that, but I guess I am wrong again… You take your things. You leave. NOW. And don't you ever come back. EVER. You are no longer my child and I am no longer your mother."My heart unraveled from pain. My hands trembled. I threw up and cried at the same time. I took a small suitcase, packed a few clothes, and left.

Living as a pregnant teen
Eric let me stay with him and his parents, but I still felt like I had nowhere to turn. I felt helpless, like I had no future, even though I continued to go to school. I was kicked off the honor roll. All of my friends refused to talk to me. While they were talking about where to buy a new prom dress, I was debating over whether I should send the child to an adoption center or have an abortion. Then I made the decision that I never thought I would make. I decided to keep my baby. I kept my child because I felt that I should be responsible for my actions. Although I would have to make a lot of sacrifices in my life, I had to deal with the consequences, no matter what. When I told Eric about my decision, he was devastated. He threw my suitcase out the window.

"Janice I'm sorry, I love you, and I will forever regret this decision, but I have a life also. And I'm not planning to end it now because of that fucking fetus. Have a nice life."I never saw Eric again. He and all of my friends graduated and went to college. I, on the other hand, didn't. I never graduated. I never went to my prom. I didn't even have anyone to stick by me. I lived on the streets and in shelters. I would eat leftovers from garbages and ice-cold soup from the soup kitchen. I sold cocaine and XTC to gain whatever money I could. I would sleep in the Community Park and I was known as "the town whore." The money that I earned from selling drugs was used to buy new clothes and rent rooms so I could shower. A few months later, my daughter was born.

Erica
Erica was born in the local hospital on a Monday evening. She was so beautiful. She had soft blond hair and bright blue eyes, just like her father. Every hour, she would cry and sometimes I had no food and she would sleep with an empty stomach. I eventually got on welfare, and Erica and I lived on a cramped apartment. The bedroom was in the kitchen. I couldn't find any work because I had to take care of Erica, so I had to work at home-as a prostitute. I hated it, but it was the only way I can buy diapers and milk for Erica. I sold more cocaine and XTC, which was enough to buy clothes and pay the rent.

Depression
Now, I am still in the same predicament. I had no mother, no lover, and no friends. I had nothing. I am nothing. How am I to continue raising a child under these conditions? I wanted to go to law school, become a lawyer, get married, and then have children. But all these dreams were shattered in less than a year. I realize that true friends would stick by you no matter what. I wish I had one. My child doesn't even have a father. I am nothing but a piece of trash. I can't live in a world filled with so much pain. Erica doesn't deserve this. She deserves so much more. That's why we both have to die. We both need to go to heaven and be happy. We need to end our lives. I'm not a mother. I can't be one. Erica needs to be in a much better place. And I'm going to make sure life will never hurt us again.

Goodbye
Before my daughter and I go on our way to the Promised Land, I want to let whoever read this know that I am not a bad person. I am doing this for the benefit of both of us. I just made a mistake. I was just trying to find love in the wrong place at the wrong time. I should have made decisions that could have lead to a better life, but I didn't. I wish I had the money so that my daughter and I could sleep with full stomachs and a happy home. I am not stupid. I tried, but I failed. This is not the life for Erica or me. This is our story. We both hope that we have given you an upclose look of what it is like to become a teen mother. I hope all teen mothers can find life easier and can withstand the undying pain and embarrassment. Mother, I love you. Eric, I still love you. We both love you. I'm sorry. I have to do this. Goodbye. 

fiction by Stephanie Nolasco, Sun, 27 Jan 2002....
I am a 16 year old Dominican writer. I wish to become a journalist someday and I believe that writing is the language of the soul.

"When you find yourself judging someone, silently say to yourself, "They are doing the best they can right now." Then mentally forgive yourself for judging them." -Marsha Sinetar in 100 Years of Women’s Wisdom

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