Vera's Story

I had an abortion 3 weeks ago and it is still really raw. It just seemed like such an unfair decision to have to make. My first pregnancy (5 years ago) was healthy and produced a beautiful baby girl, even though at the time I was barely 20 and in a really bad relationship. Everybody close to me told me to terminate then. I didn't and was really satisfied with the decision.

So this time around it was a shock when I went to the doctor for my first visit and she told me to terminate because of my recent outbreak of herpes. For the first time in my life I am in a truly caring and loving relationship, I have economic stability and I am a healthy young woman, not to mention a responsible, married adult. The decision was so hard. I had a very severe primary herpes outbreak during my 2nd week of pregnancy (didn't know I was pregnant yet) and when I told my doctor that, she advised immediate termination as the fetus would have heightened risk of developing severe defects such as blindness, deafness, spina bifida, cerebral palsy and other really horrible afflictions that no mother would want to see their child have to endure.

I cried for days and finally signed the paperwork for a D&C.  In my mind, I know I made the right choice because I would have felt forever guilty to my baby if it had been born with painful conditions, but in my soul I still ache because I'll never know if it would have been perfectly fine. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I knew I was having another girl. Before I had the procedure done, I named her Maggie. Maybe that's tortuous, but I needed to do it.

My husband wants to try again but I get so scared. I'm afraid that something else will come along next time and that if it did, I'd never be able to handle another choice like the one I made almost a month ago. I wish peace of heart to all the other women who understand what it's like to have to make the choice and hope that we all heal quickly and move forward to happiness.

March 2007

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