I have never experienced so much pain
in my life.
My boyfriend and I had unprotected sex several times. About
a month or so afterward, I had my suspicions... all the physical symptoms told
me the same thing. I decided late on a Sunday to take a pregnancy test, and the
result was positive.
From that moment on, I became an automaton. I pushed
back the fear, the anger, the pain, the frustration, and forcefully convinced
myself that this was an emergency and should be dealt with quickly and unemotionally.
had my abortion two days after I took the pregnancy test. The clinicians at Planned
Parenthood were very kind and supportive, and most importantly, nonjudgmental.
The pain of the procedure was indescribable, despite the tranquilizer and the
preparation I received from the counselor. I began to hyperventilate and to panic
as the abortion proceeded. The doctor's assistant and my boyfriend could not calm
me, because the violence being done to my body was so very frightening.
did make it through the procedure, and my physical recovery was predictable. But
I have had a plague of other problems since then, including depression, panic
attacks, and a hostility toward myself that seems to know no boundaries.
I have been "pro-choice" all my life, and will continue to be.
Even with more time to decide, I would not have chosen to become a mother at this
time in my life. If I couldn't discipline myself to have safe sex, what kind of
parent would I make?
Despite my slow mental recovery, I consider myself
a lucky person. I have a loving boyfriend who stayed with me every step of the
way, who supports my decisions, who holds me while I cry and celebrates with me
on the good days.
I am going back to school for my bachelor's degree in
Behavioral Science. I am volunteering with the mentally ill. I have a job and
a home and all the things I enjoy.
But every day is a struggle, like
it never used to be. There is a void in my life which none of these things will
I had an abortion. I am recovering. I am alone in my body
6 July 1999
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85% of teen suicides are boys... More teen girls attempt suicide,
but more teen boys are successful.