Hi, I'm Tonya and I'll be 22 in May 2002 and
I've had 2 abortions. I say this with tears, not with triumph. Listen to my story:
Leading up to July 6, 2001:
I remember that night very
clearly. I stopped at McDonald's and got two cheeseburgers. I never eat McDonalds!
This was the last sign. I bought a pregnancy test. I quickly drove home as I shoved
the rest of the food in my mouth. As soon as I got home, I ripped out the test
from the package. I took the test and sat it down for 5 minutes. I didn't look
at it for fear of what was to come. I glanced down and there it was. I was going
to be a mama.
I didn't cry. I didn't sleep. I already began picking out
names. And at work the next day, all I did was look at baby books. I wanted to
have a baby. Although, being 21 and a junior in college, no health insurance,
and still living at home, my choices were limited. I won't say that my boyfriend,
if you want to call him that, forced me, but he certainly did persuade me into
it. He kept saying, "We're too young". This would also put a halt to
his dreams of starting his own business before he was 30.
I made plans,
I drove to Indianapolis (2 hours away), and I signed the papers "no"
that said: Did anyone force you to come here today? Thus, I blame myself for the
pain I endure. In the exam room, the sound of the vacuum drowned out my loud words
to God, "I'm sorry God, please forgive me". It was the first time I
every prayed out loud. And the doctors heard me say something and said, "Are
you okay?" July 6 was the worst day of my life.
Two weeks later I went
to Planned Parenthood near my house for an 'after abortion' exam. The exam room
looked like the one at the abortion clinic. Although, this one I've been in before
for many check ups and exams. I had to lay on my back and spread my legs on the
same silver foot petals. The nurse came in and began the exam. And you know when
doctors begin to talk to you and ask you questions to comfort you? Well she started
to talk while doing the exam and all I could do was cry. I cried loud and couldn't
control myself. The similar atmosphere struck my memories of that dreadful day.
January 26, 2002:
"Take this one pill orally now. Then
24-72 hours later, insert these 4 pills." These were the doctor's words when
WE drove to Knoxville, TN (8 hours away) to get a medical abortion. I was with
the same guy, and yet, the same problem didn't seem to be solved. I had to work
I work a 6-hour shift, but that night it turned into 3. I was
caught upstairs sitting down (I'm a server at a club) just looking at myself in
the mirror. I was on 2 types of antibiotics for Tonsilitus, the little white abortion
pill from the doctor, and the feelings of pain and pure hatred for myself. I heard
a manager say in a stern voice, "Tonya let me see you in my office."
All the managers did was ask me questions that I didn't answer. They had no right
to know. I just said that I was on 3 or 4 different medications. Little did they
know they were talking to a woman bleeding out a baby. Let me just tell you that
I didn't get fired, but they made me take 3 whole weeks off of work until I got
my life straight.
The next day, 24-72 hours later, I inserted the 4 pills.
I was over at His house while he was at work so my parents wouldn't see me bleeding
or my pain. I put a towel underneath me where I laid for 5 or 6 hours. 15 minutes
after the pills were inserted, I could FEEL blood pouring out. My abortion was
over that day. I still bled for about a week.
Later that week I still was
enduring ongoing psychological pain, with no one to talk to but Him, or so I thought.
After many problems throughout our relationship, this made them worse. I remember
one night that I was crying so bad, with thoughts of what it would be like to
die. And I remember driving to His house and he was walking to his car. I made
Him get into my car and talk to me. I just needed someone to talk to. And he screamed
without looking at me, "You have two minutes to tell me what you need."
He had plans to go over to two of his girlfriends' house (just friends) to smoke.
They had no problems, yet a girl who was extremely emotionally unstable needed
to be comforted. I HAD NO ONE.
Present April, 2002:
cry like twice a day and I can be happy at the time. It only takes that 'healthy
baby' commercial on TV or on the radio to come on and I'll start crying real hard.
And the thing is, HE isn't to blame. I blame
I've been in abortion
clinics and it's killing. It's legal because it's justifiable homicide. When you
have an abortion you're just destroying a part of yourself. I know it has ruined
my body. I felt and still feel abandoned and lost and I hated myself. There was
no one's shoulder to cry on, and that's all I wanted to do. I felt guilty and
couldn't get it out of my head that I'd just killed a baby. MY baby. I've lived
some bad days, but July 6, 2001 and January 26, 2002 were the worst days of my
My views on Pro-Choice and Pro-Life are different than many. I believe
that EVERYONE is PRO-CHOICE BECAUSE IT IS YOUR CHOICE WHETHER YOU WANT BABIES
TO DIE OR BABIES TO LIVE. Personally, I am Pro-Choice, but still wouldn't have
another abortion. And I can say this with respect because I've been through it
twice. And for this reason, I want to do so much for girls and women that are
put in a similar situation.
24 March 2002
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- by Barbara Noda in 1979