Theresa's Story

I had my abortion in 1995.

My "boyfriend" at the time was about 13 years older than I was and I thought he cared about me. What a joke. When I told him I was pregnant, he was out of town on a job and wouldn't be back for weeks - so it was over the phone. I don't know if it was one of the first things he said, but it was the one thing he said that I remember the most - "If you have it, I'll be long gone and you'll never get a cent out of me." There was some back and forth or mind games on his part - one minute he was supportive the next, he wasn't. Ultimately, the decision was made. And in hindsight - although I thought I made it - he did.

I justified it in my mind that I couldn't afford a child, that it would be better off not born to a father like him, that I didn't want him in my life, that I couldn't be a single mother and the most stupid one of all - I was worried about what people at work would think of me to have a pregnancy out of wedlock. Now I think - what was I thinking! who cares what other people think of me - it's not them who validate me as a person - it's me! Anyway, on with the story.....

So now, present day. I've been married to a great guy for over 5 years. We want children and started trying 4 years ago. We've taken a year off - so technically we've tried for 3 years. I have had, statistically speaking, one miscarriage for every year of trying. Actually, I'm waiting for one to run it's course right now (we know it's gone, it's just waiting for my body to let it go). Pregnancy for me can now only be achieved by drugs and/or Intrauterine insemination. In other words, I'm infertile AND suffer recurrent losses. The child I aborted had been conceived naturally - funny (in a sad way) how things go. My current doctor has prescribed an abortion type drug for me to hasten this loss (we know it's gone) and I can't do it. It's another abortion - of a dead baby albeit - however it would still be an abortion in my mind.

I am not trying to convince anyone who may happen upon this story not to have an abortion. I am only suggesting that you think very seriously about it. Think about your life in the future. What will you be like if you have one. Think of what your life might be if you have the child and either keep him/her or put him/her up for adoption.

The infertility I suffer is most likely not caused by the abortion (it was done in a hospital and there is no scarring or damage to the uterus). I believe many women go on after abortions to have healthy pregnancies. Mine is just dumb luck or is it nature's/God's way of saying - you blew it. We're committed to try one more time (miscarriages are emotionally difficult), but after that - who knows. We've considered adoption.

So, everyone out there who may happen upon my story, think really hard about an abortion. I have the guilt of killing what may have been my only chance at giving birth. I think adoption would have been less difficult - sure I'd think about the child, but I wouldn't have this overriding guilt and in 11 years I maybe could have met the child. I know I could not have taken care of the child, but I know now how desperate people can be to have children, how stressful trying is and how incredibly difficult adoption can be. We have also learned how insensitive people can be - for the first 5 years of our marriage, you couldn't guess how many people asked us when we were having kids. The next time I'm asked that, I hope my answer is "within 9 months", but realistically, it may be "never".

Please know - that although I regret the choice I made in 1995 (hindsight is 20/20) - I am prochoice and am not one of those people who are converted and are preaching against abortion. Whichever way you choose, good luck and trust in your ability to make the right choice for you at this particular time in your life.

Sept 2003

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