I want to start off by saying how truly grateful
I was when I discovered the personal stories part of
this site. I gained reassurance about a decision I had to make, to have an abortion.
The stories helped me to realize that I wasn't alone. Tee
in a city where abortions are not performed, so I had to go out of town. I called
a couple of places to ask about prices and the procedure, but it wasn't until
I called Atlanta Feminist Women's
Health Center, that I truly, in my heart, felt like this was the place I had
to go. The voice on the other end of the phone line was so very warm and understanding
and the compassion was felt from her first few words. I scheduled my appointment
I had started a relationship with my boyfriend in February
of 2000, like two days after valentine's
day and it became sexual pretty quickly. We had known one another forever,
but never thought we would be together. Anyway we were together quite often.
I was always known for being really smart and as the one who had to succeed.
I've always been an honor student and everything my mother wanted to be. I carried
that weight with ease at first because I've always been self-motivated anyway
and so I wanted to achieve. I was a dance specialist in my band and I was admired
by many people whether they were jealous or not. I had a reputation for being
a goodie girl, no one would use my name and pregnancy in the same sentence.
But all of a sudden I began to feel so heavy, like I needed a laxative or
something. So that's what I did, I kept taking laxatives in an effort rid myself
of this heavy feeling. At this point I was getting scared, but then I'll tell
myself no way, not me, I couldn't be pregnant. I would lift up my shirt and look
at my stomach and it looked different, not big, but different. No, It's just in
my head I would say. From that point on I was in total denial that I could be,
and more than likely was, with child.
My attitude towards boyfriend
was unbelievable, I all of a sudden hated his guts, and I wasn't even sure why.
I wouldn't talk to him, I wouldn't see him, I wouldn't take his calls. I just
didn't want anything to do with him at all. One night, as usual, my boyfriend
was waiting for me outside of my workplace when I got off, this was his only hope
of seeing me. He was extremely pissed off with me for my attitude because if I
was pregnant, he needed to know and wanted know. So this particular night, he
told me that his mom had had a dream about fish and I just went into tears because
I knew then I was pregnant. The fish dream never fails. I was so disoriented that
I just had to sit in my car for awhile before I went home.
a pregnancy test for me and I remember praying for a negative response, when the
test was over, I thought I was literally going into shock. It was so so so positive
- dark lines, definite lines. This devastated me. Here I was in my senior year
of school and had everything going for me and now pregnant. It wasn't real to
I was sick every minute of every day partly because of the pregnancy,
and partly because my life was coming to a screeching halt. I didn't want to live.
I did everything I could to induce a miscarriage, I couldn't. My boyfriend was
constantly trying to be there anyway, he took my B.S. and just tried to get through
to me, but I hated him even more. I was so so dirty to him. I went into this shell
and no one could reach me. I cried every day and all night and I wouldn't talk.
I didn't have a good relationship with my mom as it was and because
she had made a lot of bad mistakes in her life, it wouldn't do any good for me
to tell her. I wrote out my obituary, I prayed to die in my sleep. I was in a
state of utter depression and I needed help but I didn't anybody to call.
Now at school I was fine, no one knew anything. I was my normal self. But
when I was alone at home, it was miserable. I am 5 feet 11 inches tall and slim
so nothing about my physical appearance was noticeable and because of this I just
knew I couldn't have been more than 11 or 12 weeks.
My boyfriend and
I discussed for a minute what we were going to do and the first words out of my
mouth were abortion, I can't have this baby. I was on my way to college and I
wanted to model, I just couldn't see having a child at this point in my life.
No one knew except me, my boyfriend and his father. Our relationship had gotten
so bad that it was killing him and he broke down and reached out to someone. I
couldn't. I would be judged, talked about, lectured and I was embarrassed and
disgusted with myself enough as it was. I felt either death or abortion was my
His father made me come over while my boyfriend was at work
and talk, but I was full of tears and anger. I didn't want anybody. At least I
thought I didn't. He prayed with me and just encouraged me. We discussed the decision
that had been made to have an abortion. He asked about much it would cost and
because I thought I was only 12 weeks the price would be around four hundred,
but I said five just in case, so he gave me half of it and I used money from graduation
gifts to pay the other half.
was located in a Atlanta and my boyfriend's father had an uncle who lived
there so that meant he and his wife would now have to know and I had no choice
at this point because I scheduled the appointment and I needed a way there. It
would be so much easier for his uncle to come and drive us there.
whole time, my mom was asking what was wrong, Are you pregnant? no! I would say.
I had to fake my periods which I easily did. So I asked my mom could I go to Atlanta
with my boyfriend for a family reunion and she said yes. That was my plan for
getting to Atlanta with a legitimate purpose.
So anyway, before leaving
we were sitting in my boyfriend's den and at this point we hadn't communicated
at all. So anger had built up in him and he just flipped - he yelled at me, saying
it was his problem too, it was his baby too, and he said I had just been pushing
him out of it like he had nothing to say about it. I had never seen him get that
mad, I knew his temper, but It had never been directed towards me. He calmed down
and he said he was just ready to go and get this thing over with. So we left.
I was thinking about how things would go. I was nervous, when
I got there, I filled out some papers and waited until they called me. When I
got to the back, the nurses did a sonogram and for the first time I saw my baby
and they said o.k. you are 19 weeks and I yelled 19 weeks! Not only did I not
have enough money, but it would be a 2-day procedure and I just walked out, I
couldn't take it.
I really wanted to die. I was so ready to get things
over with and I find out that I am half way through a full term pregnancy. I wasn't
showing, at all! so how could this be! My boyfriend came after me and we got in
the car and I told them that it was a 2-day procedure because I was so far along
and it cost $950. They told me not to worry and that money was not an problem.
My boyfriend's uncle and his wife paid it for us. I was so extremely grateful
So we stayed at their house for 2 days until everything was
over and they treated us so wonderfully, it was unbelievable, my boyfriend was
with me every step of the way. They thought it was so amazing to see a young man
about to break his neck trying to be there for his girl. The procedure itself
wasn't painful at all and I wasn't put to sleep, but reality had set in the night
before and I asked my baby to forgive me, and I gave him his name and I told him
that his mommy and his daddy loved him and how much we were sorry, I tried to
explain why I was making this decision. I asked God to forgive me and to give
me peace with myself and with the decision I was about to make and go through
with. He did. I told my baby that although he would be sucked apart , he would
go back to Heaven and be made whole again. It was so emotional for me. I was all
alone in the dark, trying make things better and put my soul at ease.
Everything worked out perfectly, my family still doesn't know and may never know,
but I gained a new family in my boyfriend's family. They were there for me when
I had nobody to turn to. It has only been 3 1/2 weeks since this happened and
I am back on track now. I realized how blessed I was to have someone in my life
who loved me so much and who refused to turn his back on me. So many girls don't
have that. We are closer than ever before and growing closer everyday.
So many of the young girls and women that sent in their stories really put me
at ease and gave a sense of hope and they were inspirational. So now I want my
story to maybe touch the life of some young girl or woman who is facing or has
faced some of the same situations in life. I want my story to inspire someone
who may feel they can't go on.
God forgives and loves unconditionally.
This is something I'll forget, but I can hold my head and stand firmly on the
decision I made. I will use my experience as a stepping stone and not as an obstacle.
I encouraged anyone who is reading my story to do the same thing.
God bless all that come across this story. Stay strong and move forward, towards
the rest of your life and know that everything happened for a reason and you have
to know that beyond a shadow of a doubt, you made the best decision for you and
your life at that time.
I want to say thanks to Dr. Malloy and all the
nurses that were so kind for everything that they did for me. So to the FWHC on
580 14th street in Atlanta.
more stories -- share your story
need Everyone to be strong, men and women. We need to be helping each other. I
think that our lesbianism is very positive because it strengthens the overall
--- by Barbara Noda in 1979