I was 22 years old, ready to be let
loose on the world after graduating from college in 3 months and after a night
of too much alcohol and what I thought was a great guy I found out I was
pregnant. I will not use the alcohol as an excuse because it isn't!!
was March and I was anticipating my period because I was VERY regular. It never
came. I was devastated. A friend of mine became pregnant that same evening and
she was handling it much better than I. I just knew that if I told my parents
they would kill me. Besides, this wasn't supposed to happen to a girl like me.
I asked God the why me question but the biggest one was What now? I was away from
home, no support except my friend.
The first thing that I wanted to do
was call the father of the baby. Everyone talked me out of that, telling me that
I would ruin his life, like mine wasn't going to be. I thought of adoption, but
I knew mentally I couldn't handle carrying the child for 9 months only to hand
it over to someone else to take care of. If I couldn't do it myself, and I couldn't
-- I didn't even have a job, then there was only one answer. I went through graduation
and pushing the envelope on time. I had my abortion the Monday after graduation.
I tried to drink myself into a miscarriage and drugs to get rid of the
baby, nothing was working so I resigned myself to the fact that the baby would
be much better off with God. I was raised Catholic and firmly believed that my
baby's soul would end up in a child that was wanted and loved by a family that
could provide a home for it, everything that a child deserves and all the things
that I could not give it!!
After becoming sober, and looking back on things,
I still know in my heart that I did the right thing, however it is still really
hard to forgive myself for it! Not only that I did not have a support group that
I could share any of this with, not that I would have had I had the opportunity.
Now, after being sober and clean for 5+ years and married and carrying a child
that I never will have to give up for any reason, I feel that God has forgiven
me otherwise my prayers for a child would never have been answered. This child
is already spoiled and it is not even here yet.
I guess what I am trying
to say is that yes, we all make mistakes and yes, some of us resort to abortion.
We need to forgive ourselves, love ourselves and help others cope with it. It
is a decision that we are ALLOWED to make and should not feel GUILTY about and
no one should be able to make us feel that way!
I am so glad that
I could share this, it's been a long time coming!.
you and keep strong,
3 February 1999
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