I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant.
My boyfriend and I had been together only 3 months. He was 6 years older than
me and he had 2 kids by another woman and his youngest wasn't even 1 year old
yet. When I told him I was pregnant he didn't say anything he just looked out
the window. When I brought it up later he said that there were other options like
abortion and adoption. So it's like either way he didn't want it. He told me that
we shouldn't tell anyone that I was pregnant so um..... it beats me how we were
supposed to have adoption as an option considering that people would have to know
that I was pregnant unless I lied and said that I was getting fat.... I mean come
on know what I mean?
I had my abortion on August 13th 1998. It's a date
I will NEVER forget. My boyfriend didn't come with me to the clinic... he said
he had to work. So his mom went with me. At the time I didn't think anything of
it but now I wonder if she came not for support but because she didn't want me
to have the baby and wanted to make sure that I went through with it. Read on
and you'll see why.
I remember having to wait a long time and when it was
finally my turn I wasn't even nervous... I guess I was to numb to be. I now wonder
why his mom never asked me if this is something that I was sure I wanted to do.
All she said was that I should keep a journal on how I feel so that I can read
over it later and know that I made the decision I thought was best at the time.
I remember looking to my left and out the window I could see protesters. I was
so numb that it didn't even click that they were out there protesting about what
I was in there doing. I just looked around the waiting room. I don't know what
I was thinking.
I remember when I was changing into my gown I looked out
the window and the fresh air was blowing. I remember taking a deep breath and
thinking that I would just have this abortion and things would go back to normal.
That's what I honestly thought cause I felt like I was broken when I was pregnant.
Like I needed to be fixed.
I woke up calling out my boyfriend's name. I think that deep
down it bothered me that he wasn't there for me. After the clinic his mom took
me to her house and he came over a little bit after that. (short day at work huh?!)
I didn't even want to look at him. He asked me if I was ok and at first I didn't
answer him. He asked me again and I answered him only cause I wanted him to shut
Later on in November ON MY BIRTHDAY the mother of his kids called his
house to talk to him and I answered the phone. I found out he had told her about
my abortion and she started saying all this crazy stuff like he didn't want the
baby and he never made her get an abortion and all this stuff and I felt so betrayed
that he had told her about something so personal. After that it was all downhill.
I got so depressed and bitter towards him.
But now, 4 years and quite a
few tears later, I'm starting to heal. I have forgiven the father
of my baby. We have started to talk about what happened and know that we were
both responsible for the abortion now. It took a long time for him to admit that
he had anything to do with it. My anger and bitterness about it is gone, although
I still have those days which is only natural.
23 October 2002
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us what it is to be a woman so that we may know what it is to be a man. What moves
at the margin. What it is to have no home in this place. To be set adrift from
the one you knew. What it is to live at the edge of towns that cannot bear your
- Toni Morrison
* not her real name