It's been a week since my second abortion and a year pretty much to the day since my first one. After the first one I was depressed, even though I didn't want it from the start. I was in a failing relationship with a man who wasn't working and 4 years my junior. I knew it was my only option. I was 27, living back with my parents, no money, no job and doomed to be a single mother. It was too much for me to deal with. In the months after the first procedure I justified what I'd done by saying I would never go through it again, that in many ways it had woken me up and I had got a job and settled down. I mourned the loss of my baby, even though I never wanted it, and promised that I would do good by that little loss of life and use the experience to grow as an individual. I got a job because I swore I never wanted to be in that position again, where there was no hope of keeping the baby because I was not financially independent.
Well, what do you know... 8 months later I met an amazing man. We grew to be very much in love. Something felt so right about being with him, and in the back of my mind I felt if I fell pregnant with him it wouldn't be the end of our world. Well, God or someone decided to test me and 5 months into our relationship I discovered I was pregnant. When I found out, my first feeling was that of love and calm - I didn't consider for an instant not keeping it. I was in shock and amazed and felt like I was dreaming.
That night I sat down with the father after telling him on the phone earlier that day - and also telling him that I was going to keep it... He brought up the possibility of termination - it was the first time I'd thought of it. I don't know how things would have turned out if he'd said "My love, it'll be hard but let's keep it" - he said that he'd support me no matter what, but made it very clear it was our decision. He said that in an ideal world we would be together for longer than 5 months before falling pregnant - that we still had so much to do together. He is 33, I am 29 in a week. So, 2 weeks after finding out I was pregnant I am no more... Having elected for a d&c at the hospital... I am not sure how I feel. Our relationship is taking serious strain. We are fighting and we are not seeing eye to eye. I feel fragile and confused, I don't think he knows how to deal with me in this state. We are not rich, but he earns a decent salary and I guess we could have made a plan... I'm don't know how I feel about breaking my promise to myself to 'save our relationship', because we love each other so much and we have promised to make amends and have children one day... Are we just avoiding responsibility for our actions? Is that we feel we need more time to get to know each other a valid reason for ending this pregnancy. Are we being selfish. These are the questions I keep asking myself.
I don't know if I've made the right decision, but it's the decision I made, and so will have to live with it. We will also have to live with it if it tears us apart. I read somewhere that 70% of relationships don't survive this.
We are going to see a psychologist together - hopefully this will help us find some clarity...
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