Sarah's Story

Hi there,

It's a few days too soon to say. I'm 26, and I've made it this far without pregnancy. I always figured if I made it to a certain age, and I had an accident, I could deal. I was old enough, secure enough, and it would be my responsibility. This was easier to believe, because I do not even have sex unless I'm in a serious relationship, and if it happened in a serious (good) relationship, there was a future, and we'd work together. Naive, huh?

I started dating Jeff several months ago. It was bliss. As an acquaintance rape victim at 15, I have often been shut off physically as well as emotionally. This was different. I never felt more comfortable with my own body or someone else's. I never felt more optimistic for my future. He even brought up marriage--and I LIKED the idea! We were so good together.

We got tested and I had an appointment to get an IUD. Unfortunately, the day we went, the nurse apologized, and told me that they had meant to call - my doctor didn't insert IUDs, I'd have to wait for a referral. I got on the phone with Planned Parenthood, and started making arrangements, but regrettably, I'd have to wait another cycle. No problem, we were always careful, we'd just have to wait. . .

That was Friday afternoon, and Saturday was the first birthday of his son from a previous relationship. We went shoppong for the baby, came home, made dinner, and made love. The condom broke, and I hadn't used more spermicide after our first round. I had emergency conrtraception around, so I took it first thing the next morning. I was a bit concerned, though; I was ovulating. . .

His and Mom's relationship was strained; she let him see little of his son, but she was becoming more civil since we started dating. We had planned for the three of us to finally meet later that week. Long story shorter, Mom had a sudden change of heart and wanted to discuss the possibility of Jeff to coming back into her (and the baby's) life. In tears, he told me that either way, he was making the biggest mistake of his life: Letting go of this amazing thing we had, or losing a chance to finally be a father to his son, to try and build a family.

I let him go. I have never been so heartbroken over the loss of a relationship.

So, that all leads me to the present moment. I started spotting since seven days after our accident (implantation bleeding perhaps?) and I can't test until Sunday, the day I should have my period. While it is certainly possible I am not pregnant, it seems likely I am. It's all I can think about.

I eventually want to be a Mom, but to have a child in this situation would be a hard, sad thing. We would be second to his first family, I would be alone with a child support check, and I fear I would resent him, myself, and even the child for my mistake. We would all suffer in one way or another, even though I'm "26 and responsible". It breaks my heart. I've always believed in a woman's right to choose, and like many women, hoped it would never be a decision I had to make. I was so, so careful. I did everything I was supposed to. And it could be happening to me right now.

I don't know how I'll deal with it if I don't get my period. I guess we'll see.

Thank you for this forum. Any input or support is more than welcome, but just having this opportunity to share has made me feel lighter.

June 2004

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