I had an abortion when I was 21. It
took me a whole year to say that word and everytime I do it feels like cold steel
running through my body. I really know what its like to feel regret, to want to
embrace time and make it go back and undo everything. I had finally met the most
perfect man, beautiful sweet funny, we never stopped laughing, kissing. I had
missed two pills in a row. Then my
period was late. It seemed unreal, like a dream, I couldn't be pregnant! but I
was. We both knew that we couldn't keep it. I was a model and I was terrified
about loosing my figure. he was so young not ready to be a father, yet something
in me grew so protective, how could I harm such an innocent little creature? I
decided to keep it and he went along. around the second month I grew scared again.
he was growing apart from me, I could see he was more scared than I was.
many things ran through my head, should I go home and live with my parents raise
the baby on my own? give it up for adoption? I was only two months along it was
nothing yet just a small tadpole my friend said, get the operation and everything
will be just like before. So I did. he took me there and I had it done. just like
that. my life was about to change forever. I spent two weeks in the hospital,
because I got a horrible infection from it. my boyfriend came to see me everyday,
we told everyone that I had a severe kidney infection, I think he started to believe
it himself. he never cried.
I couldn't stop crying. I felt numb. dead inside.
when I was better I became so engulfed in work I had no time to think about it
or talk about it. my relationship seemed fine on the outside but inside it was
broken, no one could get close .
I ended up away on a business trip for
two months that changed to three and eventually for ever. I met a guy that meant
nothing to me and stayed with him. I started doing drugs and drinking allot. I
didn't want to think. or feel. then it happened again. I was pregnant. four months
after the operation and I was pregnant. the worst part was I knew that I was going
to keep it and that made the first abortion totally in vain. what was I proving?
what were the reasons of getting rid of the first one just to have another right
after.? I didn't have any answers. I just knew that this one inside of me was
I left the father who lets just say isn't worthy of the word and
moved back to the sanctuary wear I grew up. there I gave birth to a wonderful
little boy named jack. every I look at him I feel so much love, so much pride.
I am now engaged to a wonderful man who I met when jack was 5 months old. he loves
him like he was his own. I still get sad and I still ache, I still cry for it
wonder what she would have looked like, what part of me she would have taken after,
what part of the world she would have made her place in.
but I have come
to realize that we are imperfect, that we make mistakes and that no matter how
sad or tragic a circumstance we can somehow overcome it and, maybe not make it
better, but make it easier. Samantha
29 September 2001
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as there is a so-called art of waging war, so there is an art of waging peace."
- Marianne Williamson