I wanted to share my story on the website because it has been the one place where I have been able to find solace & comfort during one of the most trying times of my life. My name is Sadie, I'm 27 years old and this is my story:
I started dating in January 2008 after the 2-year mark of my divorce (add in a rocky rebound relationship & slide-back to ex one year after the divorce). I met A. at a club while out celebrating my friends’ birthday. He wanted me to go home with him that very same night … I refused but we exchanged numbers and talked most of that night and met the following afternoon for coffee. I found out he was married and had a son, obviously still in love with his estranged wife, I ended up counseling him for over 2 hours. I kept loose contact with him but it was apparent he didn’t want anything to do with me since I wouldn’t have sex with him…he wasn’t interested in keeping me around as a friend either.
I continued to meet & date several men: there was meat guy T. and soldier boy R.….heart broken D. and another soldier named A. It was fun but also disheartening – looking back I understand that I was in such a rush to find Mr. Right that I couldn’t enjoy, really enjoy the pure experience of meeting new people. I had just finished dating A. when, on Mother’s Day, I met T. T. works with. my brother and we were there for desert after dinner. I saw a guy sweeping the floor and thought his profile was cute so I asked my brother to introduce me to him. When he looked up I just stared & stared – he looked just like A. from the club back in January! When I got home I couldn’t stop thinking about the resemblance so I texted him and asked if he knew an T. – turned out they were twin brothers!
I thought it was destiny, somewhere in the deep, twisted recesses of my mind I thought, well, I couldn’t have one but why not enjoy the other? Secretly, I also wanted to get back at A. for rejecting me. Two weeks later, on Memorial Day, I went over to their house (of course, they lived together) and had sex w. T. I had waited over a year to have sex again and I chose to have it with a man I was only loosely attracted to and had no feelings for whatsoever. How could I? I had just met him! I knew A. was upset and deep-down I was happy. So there I was playing my little game of crushing hearts - all the while alienating my loved ones because I knew I was traveling down a most chaotic path of destruction and didn’t want to face it.
T. was just coming out of a relationship and was using drugs and alcohol as an escape mechanism…T. wasn’t faithful. I knew he wasn’t right for me. On Friday, July 19th I went over to his house in the early am because I just KNEW I’d find him with. another woman. Sure enough, she answered the door. He was sleeping in his brothers’ bed practically naked and looking so caught. I confronted them both but neither had the nerve to speak the truth. I can’t say I blame them – shit, it’s taken me this long to own my truth and I’m in transformation. The truth is easy to see but hard to own. That Sunday I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive.
This is where I shifted even deeper into the denial pool. I called him (or he called me?) and we met at the park. I placed the HPT in a red box and tied a red ribbon around it. Surprise, you’re going to be a Daddy! He just stared at the box and asked, “Baby, what is this?” I told him, “It means I’m pregnant.” After some awkward moments of silence he proceeded to act happy but even then I knew he wasn’t. He went to go throw something away and walked by this couple. He told them he just found out he was going to be a daddy. Turns out they had just had twin baby girls…and we spent the rest of the afternoon with them. I spent a week with T. after that. A whole week of having sex with him and being disgusted because he had been unfaithful such was the depth of my denial.
I counseled with. my HP on this. I told two of my brothers and my mother. I wanted someone to convince me that this baby was a good thing. No one took the bait. I stopped seeing T. and let myself fall into what I now know was one of the deepest pockets of depression I have ever had to face. I was constantly sleepy – always tired. I’d sleep 13/15 hours straight and still be tired in the morning. Smells really bugged me and made me nauseous and coffee actually made me throw up! T. called less and less and for that I was grateful. I knew I didn’t want to keep the baby but I felt guilty. I kept seeing those pro-life ribbons on the back of SUV’s & at work this woman even gave me her newborn baby to hold for a minute while she ran out to the car to get something. I convinced myself I was going to keep it.
Then something broke inside of me. I woke up one day and I thought I was having a heart attack. Literally. A heart attack. And I thought: I don’t want to die. I want to live. I want my life back…it felt like I had been invaded, taken over….like my life was not mine to control anymore. I counseled again and said I had made a choice. I wanted an abortion. I listed the reasons. We had Esbat that same night and I put it out to the group. I got lots of support and although I could feel that some didn’t agree with my choice, I knew they would try their best not to judge me.
Two days later I got my abortion. My HP went with me. This meant a lot because if I had just listened to her in the 1st place and taken her advice I wouldn’t have been in the situation to begin with. I had counseled with her before I went over T’s house that 1st night…and I was advised at that point to stay away … I didn’t listen and instead dove head 1st into the chasm of destruction that ultimately lead to that culminating point. I know I made the right choice – it was so hard to choose. After I had dreamed and imagined and hoped and prayed for a baby there I was having an abortion. I had feared that I couldn’t get pregnant so I had unprotected sex …and I got pregnant. Never mind that I didn’t love the father … forget that he was unfit to be around children….disregard the fact that I didn’t want to pay the price of being a single mother.
I don’t feel guilty anymore….just this deep feeling of RELIEF. I feel somewhat sad about the soul that chose me to be their earthly mother but I also feel that that same soul will one day find it’s way back, when the time is right.
This is hard to write and hard to re-read but I know that it’s helping me heal –next time I am tested I will remember this experience and what it was wrought in my life and the lives of those that I care about the most. Next time I am tested I will remember what it felt like to see that pink plus sign…what it felt like to see the faces of those I love as I told them I was pregnant…what it felt like to lay on that table, staring at the wind chimes that are designed to let us know when spirits arrive and depart as the doctor performed the abortion and R. held my forehead offering me love and support despite my outright rebellion. Next time I am tested I will remember that what I should want above all else is the path of love and understanding and that anything else will only breed destruction. I am so humbled right now, so grateful that I still have the opportunity to live, really live. I now know that I want more out of life than motherhood….I always, somewhere, deep inside, thought that that was all I ever wanted or needed. I was wrong. I’ve been wrong about a lot of things and it’s horrible that it took this to help me see the truth: I deserve more. My future children deserve more. I can make a difference, I can touch people, I can change the world – I am change.
2 Septmeber 2008
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is sometimes painful to pick up the pieces and go on living. It takes much courage
to confront the limits of my power and yet be willing to try again. The more I
yearn to serve, the more aware of my own shortcomings I become." Carol Osborne
in The Art of Resilience