Ruth's Story

My name is Ruth. I have four children, married 14 years. We've had our ups and downs. I've always been faithful until the past months I had an affair and now I'm pregnant. My hubby had the vasectomy years ago.

I was always against abortion, I don't know where to turn the father of the child is black I am white, I didn't even enjoy it, it wasn't even an affair I guess a one night stand where I got too drunk I feel so guilty, I hate myself, how could I do such a thing, be so selfish.

I told hubby everything, I look at the pics of aborted babies ripped out of womb , it causes such a pain deep within, I can't do it, but this is the only way out. I'm scared, I lay there at night with fear of the unknown, of abortion, of the pain I have caused to hubby and my children, for what, something I didn't even enjoy will my guilt ever leave me.

Do I kill an unborn child or keep it, having to explain to my dear children why the baby is mixed race, the wrong I have done.

I feel so alone and feel I have no right to ask for help or anyone to feel sorry for me as I deserve all I get, I opened my legs, what a silly bitch I am, where do I go from here? I'm a survivor, I know I'll survive I just hope my marriage and children will. That's why I think, go for abortion, no matter of my beliefs, I deserve the guilt, hurt hell, my husband and children don't deserve it.

Many hours I spend tossing, turning not knowing which path to take, tear fall silently on the pillow as hubby sleeps beside me, knowing I have no right to ask for his support, or to phone a friend, I did this act, I deserve all that comes my way...

November 2000

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