At 19 while attempting to leave an abusive
relationship, I discovered, to my great dismay, I was pregnant. The penis-owning
homosapien I fell for was 14 years my senior and i later discovered I was just
another in a long line of very young lovers/girlfriends - I was 17 when i met
him, and 18 before it was serious. A virgin until 18, I was very responsible in
using some type of birth control (over
the counter) as the penis-owning individual I was "in love" with was
against the use of hormonal birth control due to the possible side affects it
could possibly cause my body in the long run. Yeah, right, was I stupid! The
pill was the most reliable form of birth control I could obtain over which
he would have no control; therefore he manipulated the data and twisted it into
an "I care about your well being" type bullshit. What the birth
control thing eventually boils down to is control, not only of my mind, but
also of my body. But, that's a whole other story itself.
Anyway, as he also
eventually controlled the $$$$ on hand, even though I did make the majority of
the income, after a while, I had no access to even over the counter measures,
so knowing my cycle (he knew it better than me -- I am extremely regular --- menarche
at 12 and not a cycle missed until the fateful day). He decided the Pull-out method
was the way to go.
After a thwarted attempt at ending the relationship
--- I was threatened with death and harm/death to those i cherished most if I
left --- in the "honeymoon" period that followed, we had sex. At that
particular time we both knew I was generally fertile with the full moon, and I
was extremely apprehensive about pursuing intercourse during this time. He wooed
me with promises of early withdrawal and finishing everything up in "other
ways," so I relented. Sometimes, it's easier to just lie there than to take
Needless to say, when the climax time arrived (I could always tell)
the promises promises of "protection" disappeared. And of course, I
was just so good, he couldn't help himself!! Though I was pissed and afraid, I
put it out of mind and waited anxiously for my Friend who never arrived. It took
me years to view this encounter (one of many) as RAPE, as I was willing in the
beginning. I begged him to be careful and please please pull-out, but was ignored
and pinned in a position which allowed me no recourse but to submit. I believe
NO! STOP! DON'T! means just that, no matter the point of progression of any given
act. Therefore, I WAS RAPED!!
Regardless of the view I have of the incident
leading up to my decision to abort, I have never had any regrets, second thoughts
or misgivings. I made the best decision available for me and my unborn child as
its father already had 2 other children whom he did not, and does not, support.
My family was supportive of the decision and assisted financially in obtaining
the service, but it's not exactly a subject which comes up for discussion. Other
than my husband, now of 6 years, no one knows of the events leading up to the
abortion or of the abortion itself. The sorry ass excuse of a person who caused
the abortion suspects, but does not know for certain. But I'm beginning to feel
that is going to change in the near future. I want him to know how he hurt not
only me, but an innocent soul whom the world will never know. And I will take
great pleasure in his pain, anger and his total inability to control ME!
easier now to talk about it, but living in the South, I often have to leave the
room if certain topics surface. I'm not to the point I can openly discuss the
event when the cause arises, but Im getting there.
I feel this is
a most excellent step in that direction, and I sincerely thank you all for this
wonderful forum and other on-line services available on FEM.COM!!
Again, my deepest
thanks! I feel stronger now.Ronnie
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