Renee's Story

I have just found out that I am pregnant - again. I am 22 yrs old. At the age of 17, just before my last year high school finals, I found out I was pregnant. I was on the pill, and took it religiously, but something went wrong. I wanted to keep my baby so much, as did my boyfriend. However, my mother's influence was too strong and not a day goes by that we wish we had kept him/her. The baby was three months old and I had ultrasounds as well. When I awoke I was in an immense amount of pain, but was told it was psychological. I know it was not.

The following year, I became pregnant again. This time through my own carelessness and to someone I knew I didn't want to be with nor share a life with. I wasn't ready to have a child, and booked myself in to have an abortion. A friend took me to the clinic and looked after me. I felt guilty and scared about whether it would affect me having children in the future. There was limited information that I knew how to gain access to at the time.

The following year I went on a different pill which made me feel very sick, but I continued to take it. Eventually I went on to Depo Provera. This worked great and everything was going fine. My boyfriend and I had spoken of marriage and everything was great. Then I became pregnant. I wanted it. HE refused. There was no way his family nor religion would accept anything of the kind. He came from a highly religious and cultured Persian (Iranian) family. So, I had an abortion and went through the pain again. We didn't last in the end.

It feels like the pain will never end. That this is something God has planned for my life. I don't know why it is me. I try so hard to keep myself safe, but everything seems to fail me.

I am pregnant now. I was on the same pill I was on the first time round. I am ready to look after a child mentally, but it's not my time, nor the right man. He is great and is committed one hundred percent.  He wants a close family like nothing in the world and will be there forever.

I am at a crossroad. I feel so guilty just thinking about terminating this pregnancy. I cannot tell him, because he wants it so badly. I feel like I am doing something so wrong. How can anyone justify four terminations? I feel like I am the one who doesn't deserve to live.

Whether or not I'll go through with this I don't even know. If I don't I will shame myself and my family, be outcasted from my faith and my whole life will change. I am in my final semester at university with the whole world ahead me. Everyone says that a child doesn't hold you back that much, that you can still achieve all you dreamed of achieving.

I don't have the answers, but I am fortunate enough that reading the stories on this page have comforted me somewhat and have made me feel less alone.

Thank you,

August 1998

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"God tells me what to do, they often said, but my God cannot tell another what to do; only his or her God can do that." 
in a Salon Magazine article by Alan Wolfe