I am beginning to realise, and I am not sure to which emotion i can accredit this realisation, that I feel emotionally ill-equipped to handle the loss of not one but two living beings, products of my body, products of mind and products of my soul.
I feel almost unable to fathom the depth of it, the depth of the loss and the longing and the guilt I feel and the pain that guilt brings.
I feel my mind too immature to understand what I surrendered into my past, to become a part of my heart forever. But at the same time, i felt i had no choice.
i had no say in my souls fate.
When i look into a childs eyes, i see such spirituality, the wonder of life, the innocence, and the undeservedness and of my wretchedness, but at the same time, i felt like i had no choice.
Now i truly feel unworthy to receive the same gift. But how i want it, with a longing i cannot describe with words.
the tugging of sorrow addresses my loneliness in this horrible world of mine, andi wonder how beautiful they would have been, my little ones, products of my love, victims of ill circumstance, and for the first time, i grieve for them.
WRITTEN TODAY, 3/28/2006
3 Years ago, i wrote that, for the first time i had searched my heart, and found, that i had running from the grief of what had happened in my life... 3 years along, i have found a peace with myself and my past circumstances, knowing that they were lessons for me, chances for me to grow, i have no guilt anymore... i did before, i wish it had never happened... [abortions] but, i know that thinking in that way is futile.
sometimes life deals you a hand that you feel you cannot escape, and you make a decision, and you feel weighed down by the decision...
but one day at a time, you will receive clarity. i would not do it again... BUT i would not find myself in that situation again either, i believe i have learnt from all my guilt and my sorrow.
i will have kids in future, I am prolife, but i wanted to say to all those still struggling with their decision... do not allow yourself to feel guilt forever... just try to grow from your experiences...
i have spent the last 3 years getting to know God, and realising that- while i know he abhors what i did, i have found grace in him , and forgiveness... knowing this allowed me to forgive myself, and allowed me to move forward with my life, present to my present, and living for my future...
February 16, 2007
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