Nat's Story

I love children, but never really planned on having any myself. I am 25 years old, and still have not felt the ticking of my biological clock.  I work with kids and am relieved to go home to my pets, who may annoy me sometimes, but by no means requre the funds nor the effort to raise the way children do.  I had a positive abortion experience, if there can be said to have one, because I truly bonded with the women in the clinic prior to the procedure. In fact I am supported by loving friends and an understanding though rather disappointed mother (she had one at 18 and still feels like i'm not technically her "only child").

On Saturday morning at 10 am I walked into a fairly packed clinic of nauseous, emotional, anxious women. MOst of them were already mothers,& could not and did
not want to bear the burden of another member to their family.  I even ran into a junior high school friend who was getting one as well, and we stayed close to each others side until our names were called. ONe by one we all went in, sharing our stories, laughter,
nausea, sadness, and strength. It was quite a revelation to hear their tales, how many of them  had been on birth control for years, decided to go off it because they didnt want it anymore or could not afford it, and then wound up pregnant.  This was not my
situation. I met an amazing young man (younger than me by 4 years and at a very different place in his life) over the summer and we became a couple. I was having
unprotected sex with him (becuase he was my "man")and believe I might have even become pregnant at the end of my last period, at the end of October, if I've
tracked my days correctly, I was pregnant 7 weeks or so when I had the abortion, so it may even be possible that I was pregnant and still even got my period! Something which  I always deemed as a huge rarity, probably wound up happening to me. 

The morning sickness combined with constant starvation was enough for me to want to get this out of my body. But the timing was so bad. I barely have enough money
for gas, bills and the little bit of rent I give to my Grandmother. But I paid half and so did my boyfriend. The funny thing is we had been broken up about a week when I found out I was pregnant and though a part of him might have idealized the notion of "us" having a child, the truth is we simply could not manage, and I dont see it as fair to the kid to bring him/her into a world of resentment and brokeness to facilitate a
fantasy. My ex has become the closest person to me and I am TRULY blessed to have his support, though sometimes he makes ridiculous comments regarding the possibility of having kept it, he is the only one who can comfort me these days. I am dealing with
EXCRUCIATING cramps, exhaustion and intense crying bouts. I grappled with severe depression between the ages of 13-14 and do not ever want to return to that kind of state of emotional debilitation. MY mother warned me it would take a toll on me physically and emotionally, that she wished I'd never have to go through this, and I see why now.

I suffer from menstrual cramps, terrible ones. And the post-abortion ones I have had today (today makes day 3 1/2) are like nothing I've had before--Because ccompanying the cramps is the guilt and the anger at the irresponsibility that got me here.  I dont know if I'll ever want kids, but frankly at this point I'm far too self-concentrated to think of it. I missed one of my final classes today, didnt get to hand in my final papers and was not able to bring in the snacks fo the holiday party that was my idea. The sadness of not giving my all to my schoolwork worsens the state i'm in.  It is my prority and has become a true struggle to focus on anything much. I want to veg out in front of the t.v. watching only comedy. Laughter's the best medicine,especially when u sometimes dont even know why you're crying!

But this will pass. Hormones are raging. Life as a woman is an ETERNAL STRUGGLE. IT MAKES US WISER, but we must use the wisdom to not make the same mistakes--again and again! I look at other girls/women's stories (including some of my closest friends) and i wonder how they allow it to occur, 2, 3 + pregnancies? This is not what abortion is for! Its not BIRTH CONTROL! I dont want to judge, but it just makes me sad. Women around the world wish they had the priveledge of choosing whether to continue a pregnancy, and we abuse that right. To our bodies, we owe more respect, to our souls and the souls of these 'things' we had developing, we should show more honor.  I never want to go through this again; I will take every effort to ensure that I do not. I want to get my Masters degree and make a life with some stability. This experience is a painful, and I  hope, not permanent lesson about getting it "together". The cramps today do not cease and they have immobilized me from a possibly wonderful, productive day. I hope they go away, along with the tears. I have to get back to my life.

The strength in us-the female SPECIES (i feel a seperate species from males the more i read these stories of bastard "fathers") is infinite. I never knew I could cope. And you know what, you never know you can until you just DO.  

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