I am in the military and am stationed
overseas. I am far from home and no one knows what I've gone through. I have never
felt so alone in my entire life.
I have a wonderful boyfriend waiting for
me back in the States. I never thought I was the kind of person who could be dishonest
or sneaky but I began sleeping with a guy here. I was really attracted to him.
He was just an easy outlet for me. My boyfriend was really my first lover and
he taught me a lot, but this guy and I just clicked. And I was enjoying myself,
despite the fact that I was cheating on the man I love.
A month into it,
I discovered I was pregnant. We had been using protection, but one night in the
heat of things, we didn't. I guess it only takes that one time.
I was terrified.
There was so many reasons why I didn't feel I could have the baby. My boyfriend
would have left me. I wasn't financially ready. My career is not at a point where
I can handle being a single mother, I would have lost the opportunities ahead
of me. The father is not someone I could count on to be supportive, nor do I want
him in my life forever.
I went through all the emotions. All my reasons
seem so selfish. I really wanted a baby with my real boyfriend. I've always wanted
children. I'm old enough now to be a responsible mother. I could actually feel
the baby inside me and I began to love it. When I would see children, I would
think of myself as a mother. But still, I didn't consider keeping the baby, I
figured abortion was my only option.
I had to go to an outside doctor because
I didn't want it in my military records. Everything happened really quickly. I
went in and he asked me a few questions and gave me an exam. He took a picture
(sonogram) of the baby and my heart broke. I was about eight weeks pregnant. He
explained things to me about the abortion as best he could, but he really didn't
tell me what I needed to hear. He scheduled the operation for a week later. It
was too soon for me to decide. That's when I stumbled on your site. It really
gave me the information I needed.
I think I went numb about the whole thing.
I had been doing absolutely nothing but sleeping all the time. I was definitely
having symptoms of being pregnant - the morning sickness, the constant hunger,
tiring easily. And I didn't want to talk to anyone. The father had been really
supportive, but looking at him only made me think of how beautiful the baby would
be. I hadn't really spent any time with him since telling him I was pregnant,
but the night before the abortion I couldn't be alone. I spent the night awake
in his arms. I couldn't stop thinking about how my life seemed to be happening
with me just looking in. At one point in the night I almost told him I couldn't
go through with it. But I didn't.
The next morning we went to the hospital
where I would have the abortion. We had gotten lost and we were really late. When
I finally got there with my nerves a wreck, they just rushed me in. Before I knew
it, they were putting me to sleep. I woke up, not knowing how much time had passed,
with incredible cramps. The doctor spoke to me, but I was still sedated. They
left me alone to recover and I made them bring him in to see me. The pain was
like really bad menstrual cramps. He came in and sat with me. We talked about
everything but the abortion. I didn't want to even think about it. Three and a
half hours after I went in, they released me. We had quite a long drive back due
to traffic and I was in a lot of pain. Still, we talked about other things. I
think I was in denial about everything.
That night, he disappeared and
as I tried to sleep I was haunted by nightmares. I closed my eyes and kept seeing
a tiny fetus being sucked out of me. It hit me. Everything came crashing down
on me. The guilt of ending a life I was supposed to protect started to overwhelm
me. I finally fell asleep as the sun began to appear. The next day, I stayed out
of my barracks and kept myself busy. I made a point of being near someone at all
times. But no one knew. I told him I needed to be with him that night because
I was feeling terrible. He agreed but then, he was gone. The entire weekend was
Saturday the cramps returned in full force. I was an emotional
wreck and had no one to talk to. My eyes were swollen from crying all day, my
throat was sore, and I started throwing up. Still, no word from the only person
who knew what I had been through. That Sunday, I started standing duty for a three
day period. The cramps were still terrible and I started bleeding. But I had no
choice because I couldn't tell anyone. And still no word from him.
a pretty desperate message on his machine and that night he called. He had gotten
drunk for the entire weekend to try to forget about anything. I told him it wasn't
an excuse. It's not fair that my life was ripped apart and he got to carry on
with his as if nothing happened. I told him I wanted the baby back, I wished I
hadn't done it without thinking about it. We had never even discussed keeping
it. I basically took out all my frustration and pain on him. I ended up in his
arms and we both cried together.
It's been a month now. I don't talk about
it anymore and I push it to the back of my mind. At night I still feel all the
guilt. I never thought I would be in this position. I was always pro-choice, but
never thought I could have an abortion because I love children so much. My heart
really is broken. I pray to God for forgiveness and pray that my child is in good
hands now. I am sorry, but I don't know that I deserve forgiveness. The pain isn't
enough punishment. I just hope one day I'll have the chance to be a mother.Nancy
more stories -- share your story
of women who had an abortion had been using a contraceptive during the month they
- Alan Guttmacher Institute
I found others' stories very helpful and find the need to share mine. Thank
you for your site.
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