I'm 9 weeks along, from what they told
me at the doctors last Friday. They took a picture of it inside me, it's heart
beating, as my heart was beating, my eyes teared because I knew deep inside that
I didn't want it. Me and the father were together for about 2 weeks when it was
conceived. I was going to break up with him because I knew it wasn't working out,
but somehow I just knew that I was pregnant. I took a little home test, and there
it was, a little pink plus sign.
Some anger, confusion, and a lot of tears
followed. I had an abortion when I was 18, but now I'm 23 and circumstances are
a little bit different. When I was 18 there was NO WAY I could have a child, but
now it seemed as if I had to step up to the plate and take responsibility for
my actions. There was a piece of me that wanted to go through with it. Life was
changing so fast, my body was changing, and my mind can't keep up with all of
it. Emotionally I can feel myself becoming depressed and not excited about it.
The future doesn't seem as sunny as it did, and more and more I hope for a miscarriage.
diagnosed me with parvo-virus at the beginning of the pregnancy and I thought
that would be my saviour. At least that would be God's doing and not my own.
has been tough between the father and I. I think he holds a grudge that I broke
up with him when I found out I was pregnant. Why should I stay with someone I
don't like because I accidentally got pregnant. For a while it seemed possible
to have it on my own and he seemed to be supportive. He seemed to me as if he
wanted the child even though we were are not together. I had told my mother, and
when I did, I knew I would have to go through with it all because she would not
agree with any other method.
But now, I'm feeling more and more unsure
about the whole thing. Me and the father are fighting a lot about what will go
on after the baby is born, we don't seem to agree on anything. I've thought about
how it will change my life in a way I'm sure I've never imagined. But then again
I've thought about my life currently. I recently had a horrible car accident (while
I was pregnant), my 4 month old car was totaled. A set back. My $6 an hour job
doesn't seem to be cutting it, even though there are bonuses included. I was living
with the father, but since all our disagreements, I have decided to move out into
a house that a couple of my closest friends live in. I'm in debt out the waazoo,
although I've gotten a 2 year degree its left me in credit disaster.
I'm hardly able to deal with life without a child, I can't imagine what it would
be like with a child. I've had a hard time getting my life strait and honestly
I'm not even close to where I want to be. I still haven't quit smoking because
I guess I wanted it to help me miscarriage or something, and it shows me that
I'm not serious enough to actually go through all of it. If I wanted it I don't
think it would be so hard for me to quit smoking.
I feel selfish for deciding
to go on the abortion path. But I have to think about what is best for me and
the unborn. At this point in my life I just don't see a child by my side. Sometimes
I would look at my nieces an think "gosh, look what I'm going to have isn't
that amazing, and wonderful" This whole 9 weeks I've thought about abortion,
not a lot, but I have.
I talked to my my father last night on the phone
and cried to him. Telling him I didn't feel ready and that I'm really confused.
He told me that he didn't feel as if I was ready to be a parent, and that he hasn't
heard any indication that I actually want the child. I pretty much decided last
night that I would go ahead and make an appointment at a clinic, the same one
I went to 4 years ago. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and it feels
as if I've made the right decision. I know that I will grieve because that last
9 weeks, with many doubts, I had convinced myself I had to have the child, but
now I'm convincing myself this is a better decision for all involved.
is not supposed to be this stressful. It's supposed to be exciting and wonderful.
The last nine weeks have not at all been like that for me. My sister in law will
be going with me to the clinic for support, and I'm so glad for it. Thank you
all for listening to my story.Nancianne
17 July 2003
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night has been long,
The wound has been deep,
The pit has been dark,
And the walls have been steep."