My experience with pregnancy and abortion
started from the moment of conception and is with me to this very day. I've read
and heard many horror stories, but I feel like mine is one of personal victory
and spiritual growth.
I was less than a month away from my 19th birthday
and went to visit my boyfriend for a week in the summer before college started
again. Explaining why I gave in to unsafe sex that night could be another story
all together. And that night in my dreams I saw a little girl. (Now I'm a firm
believer in the power of dreams and this really got my attention.) She was absolutely
the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, surrounded by light and so very tiny.
She had my eyes and I felt so proud, but also so far away. I kept reaching out
for her, to touch her, but I couldn't. My boyfriend came up to me in the dream
and I wanted him to look at her and he wouldn't even pay attention to me.
woke up from the dream crying and knowing that I was pregnant. Those next two
weeks, waiting for my first missed period were torture. Not to mention true testament
to the reality of psychosomatic reactions. I was sick and miserable, both literally
and figuratively. I couldn't tell anyone... I knew I was all alone, just as I
was in the dream. My 19th birthday was the day of my first missed period and I
was at the drug store to buy the pregnancy test when the doors first opened. I
truly saw my life flash before my eyes as the "plus sign" told me what
I already knew in my heart.
It was then that I decided to tell my boyfriend,
particularly since I had proof. That's another long story, but it was obvious
that he wouldn't be a father and refused to accept what was going on. He told
me whatever I decided I would have to live with, I shouldn't count on him. I can't
even begin to describe how alone I felt.
The next day I went in to the
pregnancy problem center and got the "official test" and spent some
time talking with the counselors there. I remember the woman who came in a told
me that it was definitely positive cried with me and just sat and held me. I told
her that all my life I had been against abortion, but now that I was in the position
I was feeling so guilty for being so judgmental. We talked about all the options
and let me tell you this was not an easy decision. But I knew that I couldn't
give this baby girl what she deserved. I wasn't ready to be a mommy to her and
her daddy wouldn't even accept the fact that we had made her. The whole eleven
days between finding out and my abortion were kind of a blur of emotions.
went through the first three stages of the grief process for the next year and
a half. Finally the week before Christmas 1997 I just broke down. I wrote her
a poem, and told her that I wanted to stop running away. That was what it took,
my life has made an amazing turn around since then.
I just thank the gods
and goddesses for renewing my spirit and allowing me to realize my beauty. I think
it's important for woman to realize that you gain a guardian angel. It's a life
that's not meant to be, but happens to teach you something. It's a voice from
the heavens that you need to refocus and take inventory of your life. Good can,
and does, come from even the most difficult situations! That is my story, thanks
Here is the poem I wrote for her that night. It's not a literary
masterpiece but it gave me something tangible.
of a little girl
you were inside
me, the fire gave you life that you never breathed--kindling my love.
light was my dream, on a silvery cloud you came.
you are my angel...my wings
and my spirit.
your tiny hands I never held, soft cheeks I never kissed--but
you were there.
although our worlds never collided, your existence transformed
the life you did not have, I will live--I will live the life of
a little girl.
you will never blow the seeds off of a dandelion stalk
and wonder where the life would fall.
nor did you ever lick the fresh snowflakes
off your mittens.
my heart aches that you missed these, but I will do all
these things for you and more.
I will live for you, I will love for you--completely
and with the heart of a little girl.
I will not miss you, you will never
you are in my heart, and I will sing your song.
those that listen
to me and share my heart will know you and love you too.
we will live and
share what no one can ever know or understand.
one day we will walk hand in
hand, but until then I will never forget to remember.
every day I will look
in the mirror and see your reflection--
I will smile and blow you a kiss,
watching us grow--just us girls.
5 April 1999
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life you did not have, I will live -- I will live the life of a little girl"