Lois' Story
My fourth - I can't even utter the words

Thank you for this forum. I really need to write about this, as I am unable to speak--force myself to hear- that once again I am pregnant.

I am not a teenager. I am a moderately well-educated woman of 33. I have suffered from severe clinical depression over the past few years and have just gotten on medication that seems to work. I have already had two abortions this year and will now have to have a third.

The relationship with the father is extremely rocky and volatile. He wants the baby and I feel so guilty and selfish for not wanting to bring a child into the world--most particularly involving another human being in our already-bad situation. I have just gotten my professional life going again-- after a long period of abandoning it.

I know I could love a child, but I just don't believe that love is enough. I have no health insurance and cannot afford pre-natal care. I am not stable mentally. I have stopped taking my medication for two weeks and already the depression is returning. It's probably situational at this point, but I cannot focus on anything and feel lost and alone. I am so torn about this. I am so ashamed. I cannot take another loss. I lose no matter what choice I make.

December 1999

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With the average women having only two children, having early menarche (first menstrual period) and late menopause, most women will need contraception for 40 years.