I found your website and knew right
away I wanted to share my experience.
March 15th I found out I was pregnant.
I took two tests to make sure. The tests say wait up to 3 minutes for results
to be conclusive--my tests turned positive within 10 seconds. I stood there --
in shock. All I could think of was "no," that my life was over, that
all control over my personal decisions had somehow been taken away.
talked about the pregnancy with my man and he said he would support whatever choice
I made. At first I said I was keeping it. I didn't think I could go through an
abortion. So we began making plans. I found myself in this emotional fog. I was
making the attempt to convince myself I was happy with this pregnancy, that I
wanted this pregnancy, when all along all I could really think over and over was
I felt I was being invaded by some being I did NOT want inside of me--that my
life was over--that I had 9 more months of freedom. I countered this nagging thought
with thoughts of "I'll deal with it all later--after it arrives." Deal
with it later? That's the exact same thought that enabled me to go through with
my first marriage.
4 days later, after finding out I was pregnant, I broke
down and began to cry after I arrived home from work. I told my man I couldn't
go through with it. I wasn't ready to be a mom. I wasn't ready to commit myself
for life to him just yet. I think I cried for two hours. Saying, "I want
to have an abortion" was the hardest thing I have EVER had to admit to. I
hated myself in a way.
The next morning, after talking with 3 girlfriends
who had also had abortions in the past, I called a clinic and made the appointment.
Two days later I lost my job. After that, I don't remember much of anything until
the day of the abortion. I do remember time seemed to creep by very slowly.
abortion itself was the most painful thing I've ever experienced--physically.
I was encouraged to take nitrous oxide and 10 mg. of valium. I finally agreed
to take 5 mg of the valium--which did nothing. And I still insisted on not having
the laughing gas. I felt I could handle the pain just fine. I was told it was
nothing more than an intense menstrual cramp. I've had those, so I thought I would
be fine. Well if that pain is equal to an intense menstrual cramp, I certainly
have NOT had cramps like that. I was in so much pain, I thought I was going to
pass out. It felt so violent. I felt I was being violated and couldn't do anything
about it. It felt like someone was ripping my insides apart. And despite having
wonderful support from the nurse and my man who both held my hands and helped
me breathe through it, the pain was unbearable. And yet I also think in a way
it helped take my mind off of what was actually happening, if that makes any sense.
the abortion, I was lead into the recovery room. I was dizzy so they had to help
me into bed. There were other women in the room, so my man couldn't stay with
me. I hated that--I did not want to be left alone. I was so afraid--and so confused.
it was awful. anyway, so I laid in bed and to keep myself from losing it emotionally,
I traced the bedrail over and over for several minutes. At least I think that's
why I traced it. I just remember doing it automatically.
Within 10 minutes,
I felt much better physically. 20 minutes afterwards, I was briefly examined and
then lead to the bathroom to change. I lost it in there--emotionally. I cried
for a bit, then walked out into the waiting room. My man was there and I just
fell into his body and let him lead me out.
That night, I felt this HUGE
relief. I also found myself hungry for the first time in a month. (I was 6 weeks
along and feeling nauseous throughout the day. And man, my breasts felt huge and
heavy--and I'm not big by any standards.) I fell asleep around 11pm then woke
up at 3am--wide awake, starving, so I went and had leftover Chinese food. I was
bored, so I got into the computer. I was reading a note from a friend, and she
had told me one day I would be united with this unborn child. The thought really
comforted me. As I wrote her back telling her so, my dining room lights (chandelier
style) all went out. At first I thought power failure--but realized no, the computer
was still on. So I went over to the switch, turned it off and then back on and
sure enough, the lights came back on. I also felt this presence--like I wasn't
alone in the room. It felt almost warm around me. At first it scared the you-know-what
out of me, but then it calmed me so much I began to cry. And for the next week,
the phone kept ringing and when I would pick it up, there wouldn't be any sound
on the other end. I recalled reading that spirits communicate in many ways, often
through electricity and through the phone.
It's been almost 3 weeks and
I feel as far as accepting what I did and feeling ok about it, I am fine. I've
cried whenever I've felt the need. I've prayed a lot. I've sent out thoughts to
this being who visited my life so briefly and feel at peace with that. I even
had a little ceremony--me and my man--at the beach--as a way of releasing. however...now
I feel I'm experiencing some sort of post traumatic stress as a result of the
actual procedure. My man and I were making love for the first time since the abortion
a couple of days ago and he bumped my cervix. That triggered a flashback and I
began to scream inside my head, "you #@*! stop it! you're hurting me!"
I also felt I had no control over what was happening to me. I finally regained
myself and said, "please stop, that hurts." He immediately stopped,
then I withdrew and curled up into a ball and began to cry and rock myself. We
spoke about it and he agreed we need to get through this together and i..and he...
need to see someone to deal with this.
Even though I have never been raped,
that's how it feels like to me. It's the best way I can describe it. And of course
what makes it more confusing is that it was my choice, a choice I do not regret
in any way.
I'm not sure who the anger is directed to--or even exactly
what for that matter. I think it was a feeling of being out of control. Anger
over the whole situation--the pregnancy, having to make the choice of keeping
or aborting, feeling I was somehow lied to about the amount of pain I experienced,
feeling so alone after I was sent to be alone afterwards when all I wanted and
needed was to have someone sit next to me, feeling how violent the abortion seemed,
feeling so incredibly sad at how easily life can be created and destroyed, feeling
so stupid for not being as responsible as I could have been as far as preventing
this pregnancy. Many many feelings I'm still trying to piece together.
I think I've babbled enough. It did help to write this all down. I think maybe
it's helped me get a clearer vision of what it is I am dealing with right now.Lizzy
14 April 1999
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don't think of myself as a poor, deprived ghetto girl who made good. I think of
myself as somebody who from an early age knew I was responsible for myself, and
I had to make good."
- Oprah Winfrey