I had an abortion at the age of 18;
it has been my only one and my last. I was fresh out of school and my mother had
lost her job and our house. I had met a young man who I began staying with at
his place. His upstairs apartment became conveniently vacated and I moved in upstairs.
We were having unprotected sex sometimes, but I was always using those inserts
you use and then dissolve and gels when we had intercourse.
The only time
I didn't, I told him and asked him to pull out. He then remarked, "Well I
have decided since we are having sex, we need to make babies", as he proceeded
to cum in me. I knew at that moment I was pregnant. I went back to my apartment
and I went to sleep. I guess I do remember waking up very hungry and I had made
some scrambled eggs. I threw it all up and I began to cry. It was then I took
my clothes off and started to run the shower. He came upstairs and I kind of remember
trying not to let him in.
He went and lay on my bed and was asking me to
fuck him. I was crying and told him I was pregnant. I don't really know why, but
he started fighting me. I remember being naked on the floor with him on top of
me straddling my thighs. He was biting me, spitting in my face and all I could
do was scream. I was screaming one of those cries you always fear that you will
make one day. It seemed like such a bad dream and the cry wouldn't come out! Ya
know? But it was real. I finally was set free and he went down to his apartment
while I cleaned myself up and prepared myself to call my mother.
what I had to do and I was very scared. I remember all of the motions, the faces
and the girl I met while we were waiting for our pagers to go off. I remember
our parents smoking cigarettes together and that one moment of being with that
other girl when she went ahead of me. I remember that after-room where I was groggy
and it felt like such a bad dream. I know that a lot of women have gone through
this. I still don't think it is normal. I met a lady who said she would have had
16 kids if it weren't for 9 abortions. So where is the fine line that we cross
for being responsible every time? Like me and you. So I practice safe sex, but
still I crossed that line. I actually participated in terminating a life and that
doesn't make me feel good.
So I have only told one person that I have been
with. I think, if I tell my partner I have, then what if I get pregnant and he
says well,"you have had one before, you can do it again." So I never
ever say I have and I say that I won't. So it is funny... the few I have had we
were always careful. But still I think,"what beautiful babies we could have
with your blue eyes and my brown hair." Having a baby is a very romantic
thing, you know, and I know when I find that special person I will love myself
Coincidentally my best friend became pregnant the same time
I did. Her toddler is walkin' and talkin' and I still can't even take care of
myself. I am struggling and trying to go to school, work and involve myself in
activities. I have found the college I want to go to... so I look forward to that.
Fortunately I had the best support group, all the women in my family and a Grandmother
that I stayed with for 2 years after that. We all look forward and bless our periods.
12 July 2001
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revolution will not happen between these thighs." -Sarah