When I was 19 years old, I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend and I were elated, although we knew it would be hard to tell our family and to earn their support through it all since we were so young.
My pregnancy was amazing. No sickness, nothing uncomfortable at all. I had a c-section delivery of our daughter and recovered wonderfully afterwards.
That was almost 11 years ago.
Now at the age of 31, my daughter is a wonderful little girl, who just entered grade 6, has friends, and enjoys her life – and will soon become a woman herself. She is the most special being in my life.
Her father and I broke up about 6 years ago, but… we speak well with each other and raise our daughter together as a team still.
I have been very focused on work and taking care of my daughter lately that…I never have the opportunity to really get into a new relationship over recent years. I get hit on a lot but…my friends say I’m picky, so, not much has gone on in that department for me lately. Haha.
Until recently. There was one individual that came into my life a couple of months ago that… was just a friend, but, one evening – no, on a couple of evenings it became more than that. I knew him from years back, but just as aquaintences. On one of those evenings, the condom broke. I was a bit scared or pregnancy – since I was on no form of birth control (no need if I wasn’t active), but I didn’t give it much thought.
Then, I realized that my period was late…10 days late to be exact. Oh, and my breasts were very tender. Oh, and I was using the washroom quite a bit. And…I was very tired. All of these symptoms… but yet, I was still in denial. I finally went and took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. Very positive.
This man is not a man I want to spend the rest of my life with at all. He’s a nice guy but…nothing long term. I am just now, beginning to live my life…for ME. When I had my daughter at the age of 20, ever since then, I have been living as, “a mother”. There is nothing wrong with that at all – it is a blessing to be a mother. But, to finally have the ability to focus on me and my wants and my dreams again… is a beautiful thing.
Many have questioned me over the years, asking whether I would have another baby – but I never fully responded. If the situation was right – I was married and secure – possibly. But, honestly – being able to pursue my dreams.. is exciting to me. And at the risk of sounding selfish, I want that for myself.
I should have been more cautious. But it is too late for that now. I am assuming I am aprox. 4-5 weeks pregnant and… I will be having an abortion. It is killing me inside though. Absolutely killing me. I never thought that I…would be having an abortion – ever. I guess no one does though, huh?
I will likely be having in next week sometime, as this week is too busy for me at work. I wish I could do it a.s.a.p., so as not to allow the baby to grow any further – I can’t bear to think of how much it is growing, knowing my intentions. I torture myself with these thoughts, but sometimes I can’t help it.
This morning I woke up slightly naucious and that told me that the pregnancy is progressing.
I know that I need to do this – but it kills me to do it. I’m sure that most women go through so many emotions similar to mine at a time like this. I wish there was a support group in my city that helped us get through this.
Those that are anti-abortion must think that all women who make this decision – do it with delight and happiness. They don’t understand that we have so much… such a high love for these unborn children of ours, that it kills our soul go through with it, but as mothers… even mothers of only those that are unborn, we know that we have to make decisions that sometimes are not understood by others at first – but will be later on. And also as mothers of these babies, even the unborns, we have to remember that the decision we make is ours and we know the reasons for those decisions – and to stick by them, regardless of what anyone else says – because this is not their life – it is ours – and we make the decisions concerning our lives, regardless what the magnitude.
May many blessings go out to all of you, and the ones you have carried….
February 21, 2007
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