It was late in February when I went with my dance
team to Las Vegas for a dance competition. I remember the night before leaving,
my boyfriend and I had eaten at Carl's Jr. which at the time is a place that I
loved to eat at. About an hour after dinner I felt very sick and commented to
him about getting food poisoning.Kristina
The next morning I drove with my parents
to Las Vegas where I was to meet the rest of my dance team. When I woke up that
morning I had felt so sick and thought there was no way I was ever going to survive
the four hour drive that was ahead of me. I felt so sick and so blah. My mom asked
me if I was okay and I told her that I thought I had food poisoning. She responded
by saying, "You're not pregnant are you?" I was like no I'm not. Now that I look
back I don't even comprehend how I didn't know that I was. The entire trip I felt
so emotional and sick and I thought it was just the stress from the practicing
and the partying that accompanied the weekend in Vegas.
I came home
on a Monday feeling a little better but still not myself. I went to see my boyfriend
and told him of how I felt. I said to him you know what I don't know when my last
period was and asked him if he had remembered. I had been on birth
control for about six months prior to that but had to stop for a month due
to excessive bleeding. We thought that there was no possible way that I could
be pregnant but just to be safe we stopped by the local store to pick up a pregnancy
Well what we had both dreaded had come true, I was in fact pregnant.
I immediately started to cry and had no idea what to do. I was 18, a freshman
in college, didn't have a steady job, and was more confused then I had ever been
in my entire life. My boyfriend not knowing what to do either grabbed our school
newspaper and turned it open to a planned parenthood type of service. He called
the place and asked if we could come in to talk to someone.
there was very uneasy and all that I could think about was when I had asked my
boyfriend a long time before this day, "What would you say if I were to get pregnant?"
He responded by saying he would want me to get an abortion, and at this point
that thought scared me to death. I have always been pro-life except in situations
where the girl had been raped or so forth.
We arrived at the place and
they gave me another pregnancy test to confirm what I already knew. A lady sat
down and talked to us about our options. When I left that place I was more scared
then when I went in. The lady told me all of these horror stories about abortion
and pretty much yelled at my boyfriend when he told her that he wasn't ready to
be a father. I wish now that I could do something to stop that place from telling
pretty much total lies, her facts were not up to date, and she was not comforting
at all which is supposed to be her job. (see related article about antiabortion
Well at this point I had to make the toughest
decision of my life. I already knew what my boyfriend wanted, and I also knew
that I had to decide quickly. The reason I think it was so hard for me was because
of the fact that my boyfriend and I were so much in love. He was my best friend,
I had lost my virginity to him, and he was the man that I knew I wanted to spend
the rest of my life with, the man I wanted to be the father of my children. There
was the most precious baby inside of me that was a part of both of us, that was
created out of our love. The only thing was I knew he did not want this baby,
and he told me it would ruin his future and his plans and goals that he had for
himself. This made me very upset and I told myself that I could not bring this
child into the world if only one of us was willing. I had not told my parents
and at this point I never thought that I would. So I decided that abortion was
the only choice.
I made an appointment for that Sunday and my boyfriend
promised he would be there for me through everything. That week had gone by very
slowly and I felt myself getting more and more attached to my baby that was growing
inside me. The night before the procedure I couldn't sleep and when I actually
did sleep I had the worst nightmares.
March 5th 2000 the day I dreaded
all week had finally come and it was pouring rain. My boyfriend picked me up and
I had to lie to my parents and tell them I was going to my boyfriend's grandfather's
house for the day. We arrived at the place and at this point all I wanted to do
was get it over with. I read all the paperwork carefully and sat in the waiting
room for what seemed like a lifetime. When they finally called my name I gave
my boyfriend a kiss, told him that I loved him and walked through the door where
a lady handed me a green hospital gown.
I quickly got changed and went
into another room where there were about five or six other ladies awaiting the
same procedure. It was like an assembly line each taking turns getting an ultrasound
then giving blood until finally it was my turn. I walked into the cold room where
two nurses had awaited me and told me to hop up on to the table. They proceeded
to attach some wires to me to get my pulse and such other things that I'm not
quite sure about. I remember waiting in the room for the doctor and I was so cold
and so scared that I was literally shaking. As I waited many thoughts ran through
my head, I wondered if my boyfriend knew that it was about to happen, I asked
God to forgive me for what I was about to do, and I also wondered about this child
that was never to be born.
At that moment the doctor came in introduced
himself, and told me to have a nice nap. The next thing I remember I was throwing
up and nurses were trying to help me because I could hardly sit up I was so drugged
on the anesthesia. After I was done throwing up I sat back in my hospital bed
and looked around at all the other women in the recovery room and just sat and
cried. Soon after I got dressed, received some medication and slipped out the
back door where my boyfriend had awaited me. All I wanted to do was go home and
sleep. The pain was bad but honestly not as bad as I thought it was going to be
but I knew that moment that I could never go through it again. After it was all
over I was really sad but told myself that I made the right decision and that
it was up to me to go on with my life.
Exactly one week after the abortion
we got a call from my aunt who informed us that my grandfather was in the hospital
dying and that we better hurry up and get to the there. This was something that
was totally unexpected, and two days later he passed away. In my entire life I
have never had anyone close to me pass away or anything really difficult that
I was forced to deal with. IN a matter of one week two of the worst things to
ever happen to me did. Everyone kept telling me to be strong for my mom but nobody
had a clue what was going on in my life, I couldn't even be strong for myself.
The days went on and I felt myself fall into a state of depression.
I really thought that I was dying of something that was unknown to me and I gave
up on things that I love, including my boyfriend. I think I started to blame him
for my loss and started to shut him out even thought he was right there always
willing to be someone to talk, to or a shoulder to cry on. About a month later,
my mom and I got into an argument and when she asked me why I was so upset and
angry I blurted out to her that I had an abortion. She started to cry but at the
same time was so upset about losing her dad I felt that this on top of that was
just too much to handle.
It has been 7 months since the procedure and
my mom and I have not since talked about what has happened. I think she just shuts
it out like it's not there to make it easier on her which I can understand. I
just wish when I'm crying myself to sleep that she could just hold me until I
fall asleep like she used to. It's hard to talk to friends about it cause I
don't always know who I can and cannot trust and I feel that they just don't understand.
There are some days when I know I made the right decision it just hurts to think
that in less than a month I could be having a baby. It's not that I want to get
pregnant again, I just want that very same baby back!
I have friends
that have either had a baby or about to have a baby. This makes me think that
I just took the easy way out. The thing is I know I could have handled it, and
I really believe that me and my boyfriend would have loved that baby unconditionally.
Maybe we couldn't have given it everything that it could ever want but I know
one thing for sure and that is no one baby could ever be loved more. I wonder
to myself if it was to be a boy or a girl, what it would have looked like, what
we would have named it. I think about how wonderful it would be to here my child
say that they love me or to give me a great big hug and kiss. I know that I will
have this all some day but the point I created something out of love and destroyed
it because I was scared. I have never regretted something so much in my entire
It gets so frustrating to me because I have so much negative energy
inside and I don't know what to do with it. It makes me feel so bad because what
usually happens is I take it out on my boyfriend who I love more then anything.
He has been by my side through this and everything else and has loved me every
step of the way. I see the hurt in his eyes when I take things out on him but
he takes it because he blames himself. That hurts me because it was my decision
and if I have anyone to blame it would be me. I still believe with all my heart
that he is "the one" I just wish I knew a way to help myself and to help our relationship,
so if anyone has any suggestions please let me know.
Oh, and I have
a message for anyone who is debating whether or not to terminate a pregnancy.
It is your decision to make and yours only!!!! Don't make the same mistake
that I did and rush into making a decision. Think it through carefully because
I promise you either way it will affect your life.
more stories -- share your story
yes, I see those brown spots all over my face and hands. I feel the bones pushing
against skin. I see the pores gaping open from age, exposure, and neglect. Twenty
lines - wrinkles - go straight up and down my upper lip. Deep creases run around
my nose and down around my mouth. Big, deep furrows between my bushy brows run
up my forehead and cross lines that crowd across my brow....And yet, although
my teeth are sort of yellow, I am beautiful. Gay liberation and the Women's movement
taught me that."
- by Kady in 1978