I had my abortion over 6 years ago
now...time just seems to go by faster and faster these days. I was only 15 when
I got pregnant...a few weeks before my sweet 16. I met my boyfriend just months
earlier at the start of my sophomore year. I was head-over-heels in love. When
we met we had an instant bond with each other...we were inseparable. We started
having sex a few weeks before my birthday...I am also pretty sure I became pregnant
our first time together...I just have a "feeling."
the perfect couple...we understood each other. We both came from pretty chaotic
households. We were vulnerable teenagers who came together at a time when we needed
each other the most. The times we shared together so many years ago still leaves
a deep impression on me today. We loved each other so much nothing seemed to matter...except
us being together. Our relationship started off so perfect...
the pregnancy. I guess I knew I was pregnant a few weeks before it was confirmed
by a Planned Parenthood. My boyfriend
and I talked about it from time to time but the both of us really didn't want
to talk about it until we knew we "had" to. I was scared out of my mind.
After I missed my period my boyfriend and I decided to get a test done. When I
was given the little white paper by the nurse at Planned Parenthood I was so nervous...I
just remember sitting there shaking in a cold sweat. Just as I scanned the paper
for the results the nurse blurted out that my results where positive. For the
first time in my life I felt pure numbness run through my body. It felt so unreal.
Another nurse took me into a different room to talk with me and give me information
on all my options. I took some pamphlets with me to show my boyfriend...
We decided on an abortion. I think we clung on to the idea to terminate the
pregnancy because we where so young and scared...an abortion would be an easy
way to "get rid of the problem." To be honest I don't even remember
"choosing"...all I remember is "doing." It's kind of hard
to explain...I was so scared - all I wanted to do was block this situation out
of my mind. I wanted it to be all over with as quickly as possible...so, I just
had an abortion without really thinking about the lifelong affect it would have
I was all scheduled and ready to go. I pretended to go to school
that morning...my parents never had a clue. I was having somewhat of a change
of heart...I knew if I didn't change my mind right then and there I wouldn't get
the chance again. I didn't say anything at first because I kept telling myself
I was doing the right thing and it would all be over with soon...I really kept
telling myself..."by the time I go to bed tonight I wont have to worry about
this ever again." When I got to Planned Parenthood I filled out some paperwork
and just waited...and waited.
As the clock started ticking in my face I
grabbed my boyfriend and took him outside. I asked him if we where doing the right
thing. In a way I wanted him to just grab me...put me in the car and get me the
heck out of that place, but the reaction I got from him was just the opposite.
Looking back I can't really say I blame the guy...we were both so young and going
through so much. We talked for a bit and ended up going back inside. We sat again...waiting.
Then I heard the door creep open and some lady called me...I followed her back
into the room I had my abortion. I can't say it was easy for me to be there but
I got through everything ok. I just laid there...it was all beginning to feel
so real. I looked around and saw my blood being sucked out through a tube...I
felt so sick. When it was all over I saw blood on my legs and all over the table.
All I wanted was to get out of there...
I was surprised with all the
emotions that followed. After it was all said and done I had a feeling of utter
relief. I was so relieved it was all over. I felt like I had no more "problems."
I felt like I could just go back to normal life...like nothing happened. Then
came the guilt...I couldn't understand how selfish I was and how miserable of
a person I was for "killing" my baby...and how could I ever feel relieved???
I was a mess. I had an intense feeling of guilt for years.
After time however
I grew a bit more and became an "adult" and went out into the "real
world." Then came the feeling of...ohmygod, what was I thinking??? A baby???
I can't even pay my rent...let alone care for another human being. I started to
rationalize the situation and over time the guilt seemed to fade. At this point
in my life I still feel "guilty" but I guess that is normal...I expect
to have guilt for the rest of my life. However, I feel like I am at terms with
what happened. Do I regret it??? No. It was for the best...I know now I was just
a child myself...how could I have raised a child and prepared a child for this
world when I barely experienced it myself??? I do feel a sense of loss though...I
miss my baby...even though I don't know if it was going to be a boy or a girl...I
have some strange bond with a memory of what could have been...Kristi
as my boyfriend...I am still head-over-heels in love with him...
our share of ups and downs after the abortion. We both had our own ways of dealing
with our pain. After time it took a toll on our relationship and we split up when
I was 17. I moved out of state but every once and while we would find each other
again. He gives me a feeling I can't find with anyone else...he is my soul mate.
Over a few years of the back and forth thing we decided to let go of old "baggage"
and get a fresh new start. We eventually got engaged and he moved to be with me
in the same state. But, once again...we split. Why??? We are too in love with
each other. We still talk and are again talking of getting back together...I hope
we find peace with each other someday...I can't imagine anyone else in my life
other than him...
7 July 2001
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