I never thought I would be in this position,
I had been on birth control
for 15 years and hadn't even had a false alarm. I'm 30 years old and haven't really
decided whether I would have kids, I knew I was not ready to be MOM right now!
Especially not a single MOM. I have so many friends who are single parents and
life is so hard for them and their kids.
I was single and celibate for
about 2 years so I stopped getting my depo shots, why bother
since I was celibate. Then I met my boyfriend, we had been together for about
5 months when we started to be sexually active. We were using condoms while we decided which birth control method was
right for us. One night the condom broke. I was very nervous about getting pregnant
and decided we needed to choose another form of birth control ASAP. We had decided
that depo-provera was right for us, mainly because I had such good luck with it
I had just moved and started a new job, I thought it must be
all the stress causing me to be late. So, when I went to the clinic they asked
me if I had a period and I explained the life changes and the fact that I was
irregular to begin with. They started me on a birth control pill until they could
schedule me for the depo shot. I got my shot about two weeks later, I never got
my period the entire two years I was on depo before so, when I didn't get it this
time I didn't worry about it.
Well, I started to gain weight, which I attributed
to the depo-provera, but my stomach was hard as a rock. I went to the clinic and
asked if the depo would cause this, they prescribed pills again and told me to
give it a couple months. I am very small to begin with, I was only wearing a size
4 jean at this point. About a week later I just felt like something wasn't right
with my body so I bought a home pregnancy test, for peace of mind, and it was
positive. I almost fainted. I'm not really sure why I took the test, I just knew
something wasn't right. I went back to the clinic to get a test there and they
also performed an internal exam. It was determined that I was somewhere between
18 and 22 weeks pregnant. I was devastated, my biggest fear was that I would have
no choice. Thank goodness I did, I don't know what I would have done if I didn't.
I received counseling on my options and was sent home to think it over.
I only had about 10 days to make a decision because abortions are legal only until
24 weeks. I had only a couple of options as to where I could have it done, it
was going to be extremely expensive. The closest place was a 4 1/2 hour drive,
the procedure would take three days and it would cost $1800 plus hotels and meals.
I truly felt this was my only choice. I did not want to be a MOM, my partner already
has a little girl that he really wasn't ready for and he certainly wasn't ready
for another child. Neither of us were, especially not in four months. Not to mention
the fact that I drank almost every weekend, smoked marijuana and had four sets
of X-rays in the last four months. Along with the diet pills, the birth control
pills and depo-shot that I had been taking. I knew that adoption was an option
but not under the circumstances and ours is a small town, so many explanations
to family and friends, we didn't think we would be able to give the baby up.
three weeks ago on March 21, 1998 I had my abortion. I told a couple friends who
I thought would be supportive. Only one was judgmental, she started crying and
told me she was crying for my baby and that she was very disappointed in my boyfriend
because she thought he should be happy because he was already a father and how
could he let me do this? Well, I blew up at her! This was essentially my choice
and I had decided to do this on my own if need be. She insulted my values and
morals, she claims to be a spiritual and religious person so, how could she be
so judgmental, I think she was trying to guilt me into having the baby. Real spiritual,
huh? I should bring a baby who is not wanted in the world just because I was pregnant.
My partner was extremely supportive, he was with me through the three day procedure
and has been there for me ever since.
I often feel guilty for the
abortion but, I never regret it. It was clearly the only choice for me and my
boyfriend at this point in our lives. I have good days and bad days but, I will
be fine. I think society and all it's judgmental messages are the main reason
for my guilt. At first I was very angry at the clinic for not giving me a pregnancy
test, but as I look back, now I realize that it was really up to me to listen
to my body not try and hide from what I think I knew all along.
this has given me a new perspective on life, I am very thankful for my lover (who
I was not sure about), my true friends and my FREEDOM to live MY LIFE in the best
way for me. I feel so blessed to have all of these things. After all, when it
is all said and done the only things you really have are; who you are, those you
truly love and those who truly love you.
Thank you to all of you who fight
for women to remain in control of their lives. And Thanks for letting me tell
my story, I hope it helps.
Be strong. Peace.Kristi
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