When I was 20 I was wandering around my life aimlessly trying to find what I wanted. I had dated a guy for two years without having sex and then we broke up because he was gay. This drained me emotionally and I fell into a major depression. After this, I dated many guys. One of the guys I dated briefly ended up date raping me and a month later I realized I was pregnant. I went through the lengthy process of trying to get an abortion through the hospital only to realize that most of my small town was Pro-Life and even my doctor wouldn't help me in trying to attain an abortion. Every road I travelled was a dead end and time was running out. Counting my losses I decided to travel to a bigger city and pay 500 through a clinic.
The day was interesting to say the least. I felt like I was in a heard of cattle being pushed through this procedure. We all sat waiting for our names to be called. One after the other we went in for an ultrasound and counselling. We were being pushed through to conserve time. I knew this was what I wanted but I had no idea it would be so clinic like. The actual procedure itself was the worst. I could feel everything and the nitrous wasn't helping at all. I knew exactly what was going on and I wanted so terribly for it all to be over with. Then it was...I was lead into a recovery room for a half an hour with all of these other girls around me who had just gotten through with the same procedure. We just waited for them to tell us we could leave. No one talking, or looking around. It wasn't a good experience at all, a terrible procedure but it was the right thing to do.
I had actually pushed this day to the back of my mind for so long. Until now....I am pregnant again. I have been with the same guy for three years and now I am pregnant with another man's child. I don't know why I let this guy take advantage of me, I don't know why I didn't tell after it happened. I guess I didn't want the bother with reliving the situation. Now I am forced to relive this situation and my abortion 5 years ago. I can't have this child and I am afraid to go back to the clinic. I am trying to find a way into the hospital this time and I have Cytotec coming through to me in the mail. I plan to try to miscarry or abort by myself, at home. I don't know what else to do. I know this is dangerous and I know that I shouldn't be doing it but I have no choice. And having no choice hurts...
February 22, 2007
more stories -- share your story