I've never been in love with the thought of having children
I am 25 going on 26. I am married and
have been for 3 months, we've dated three years prior. I've been doing a lot of
thinking lately, mostly about children. You see, I have had two abortions in past
The first was when I was 19. I was with a man that I had dated for
five years. We loved each other. I got sick, very ill. I didn't know it, but I
had cysts on my ovaries and they had ruptured. They put me in the hospital, it
was there they told me I was pregnant. I was in panic, they had to sedate me.
I thought I would die and god did I want to. I later called my boyfriend with
my mother by my side the whole time. He made arrangements to abort the child.
I didn't know. After I was let out of the hospital weeks later, he took me to
the clinic. I was scared, I didn't know what to think. I did know I was relieved.
I actually never really thought of it again. We broke off our relationship and
year or so later, he was cheating.
I met My husband in college, my junior
year. I was in a relationship with another who was abusive, to make a long story
short, I think he saved my life. We, (my husband and I ) started dating after
beginning as friends. I told him one night about what had happened to me. I needed
to be honest with him. He was very understanding and made no effort to judge me
in any way. Months later after we had been dating awhile, I was home between class.
I had been feeling funny. I thought I might be pregnant. I took a test and there
it was, two lines, not one like I had hoped. I freaked and called my best friend.
I needed advise. She calmed me and reminded me that I needed to talk to my boyfriend.
I told him. We didn't know what to do. We told his family. We went to visit
my family doctor and the hospital and had tests run. At the hospital we ran smack
into my mother, wonderful. I had to tell her. She could tell I was freaking out
underneath. We finally made a decision to abort. It was difficult to handle our
family. I had been having trouble lots of pain, that's why we had been at the
hospital. We told our family that I miscarried. It was for the best, for everyone.
Apparently while I was in recovery I was crying and telling my boyfriend that
I killed our child. I don't remember. I woke up drugged, but satisfied with my
decision. I haven't had any regrets with my decision since. Now we are married
and we can talk freely about everything including our decision.
lies my problem. I know there are a lot of women that struggle with their choices
and than later their decisions. I don't. I feel badly for this. I also feel badly
that I have no sensation in my body that yearns to have children. I see children
as a strap, an annoyance. I even have friends that have children and I try to
pretend to want them someday. I trapped because I'm a women and my body is supposed
to bear fruit. I'm afraid if my husband and I have children I'll be doing it for
him, but not because I want it. I don't want to resent him. The thing is, he knows
how I feel. He says it doesn't matter we don't have to have children. I know he
is lying. He thinks I'll change my mind, "I mean after all I'm a woman, I'm
suppose to want children" right? I cannot remember a time I didn't pretend
for someone that I wanted children.KJ
11 December 2001
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courage is more than faith that the world is friendly and that, despite all earthly
appearance to the contrary, we are ultimately safe. It is the 'inner knowing'
that this is so. That knowing is the composite of all our experiences, dreams,
serendipities, and practices of remembering. . ."
- Joan Borysenko in
Fire in the Soul
There are resources
available for people who choose not to have children.