I am 21, and never imagined my first pregnancy being like this. I've been
with my boyfriend for almost three years. We plan on getting married,
having a family, and a picked fence to match.
I had quit birth control because it was getting expensive, and had had
unprotected sex for five months before I got pregnant. I knew there was a
risk of getting pregnant, but it never seemed to matter when we were getting
intimate. I'd missed my period one month, but didn't think much of it until
I felt like my stomach was looking different one day. That same day, I took
a home pregnancy test which came out positive.
In my heart I had already
known, but I never thought I'd react the way I did. I wasn't scared. I
knew what my only option was because I am in college and have goals that I
need to fulfill. My boyfriend and I looked up abortion information
immediately afterward. That night, we acted as if nothing was wrong. It
didn't hit me until the next night what I was about to do. Every night
after that had been unbearable because guilt would consume me. It hit the
hardest at night because I could not let my family know. My parents work so
hard to put every penny into my education... I couldn't bear to disappoint
them. Nights were the only time I could grieve and I couldn't stop thinking
about my child and the kind of life we could have had together.
It's only been two days since my abortion and guilt still consumes me at
night. I feel so selfish for putting myself and my goals before my child,
but my boyfriend and I have worked so hard in school so that we could have a
stable life together in the future. He's been wonderful and stuck with me
through it all. I've always been able to confide in him, but I feel like
he'll never know the emptiness I feel inside. Every mother's instinct is to
protect her child and so the guilt is unbearable still. I ask for my child
to forgive me every night for the sacrifice he or she had to make for my
mistake. I hope that my child in heaven can forgive me, and that one day
I'll be able to forgive myself.
February 14, 2007
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