When I got pregnant, it was only the 3rd time I had ever had sex. It was my first time with the guy, I didn't know him that well, and he was younger than me. I didn't know I was pregnant until 4 weeks after it happened, and when I finally found out, I was terrified. Because he was younger than me, I felt very responsible for what had happened, and I felt responsible for his future, as well as my own.
Being 21, I didn't live at home, so the only person that knew about any of this was my best friend of 11 years, who also happened to be my roommate.
There were so many things going through my head. Should I tell my parents? Should I tell the guy? If I had the baby, could I still go to college in the fall? If I couldn't still go to college, what would I do for my future? It was not a possibility that me and the guy would raise the child together, so could I raise a child on my own? How would I feel about not allowing my child a father?
I knew that I could never give the baby up for adoption, so that was never an issue. I would not have been able to go about my day and live my life knowing that MY child was out there, being raised by someone other than me.
My dilemma was that I came to the conclusion that I absolutely could not have the child, but I did not believe in abortion. When I finally decided I had absolutely no other option, I went to the clinic, but I was questioning my own morals and beliefs and how I would feel afterwards. I almost did not go through with it.
At the clinic, you fill out paperwork, and one of the questions you must answer is, "How sure are you today of your decision to have an abortion?". I must say, I was lying when I said I was completley sure, but I knew I had to do it anyways.
The type of abortion I had was the non-surgical kind. I took a pill at the clinic, and then the next day I took four other pills at home. The pill at the clinic was fine, just like taking an aspirin or a vitamin. I started bleeding in the middle of the night after I took that pill, and at first it was just like a normal period, average flow and not really any pain. Then sometime in the early morning it became a VERY heavy flow and I had a little cramping.
I took the 4 other pills about four hours after that, and you have to put them inbetween your cheeks and gums and let them sit there for 20 minutes, and they tasted AWFUL! In fact they tasted so awful that it made me gag. After 20 minutes I swallowed them, and about 10 minutes later, I began cramping. It started out like normal period cramps, but very quickly progressed to the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. The cramps were so strong that I was crying and screaming.
Some of the papers the clinic had given me said to make sure and have a support person there while you were going through this, and my best friend was there for me. I don't know how I would have made it through everything without her.
For 10 or 15 minutes I was in so much pain that I could not move other than to scream, and just sat on the couch clenching my stomach and my friend's hand. I had luckily taken the pain medication the clinic had prescribed, or that degree of pain might have lasted longer.
The first pain medication I took, I actually threw up as soon as I could move off the couch. I also had very bad diarhhea. I took one of the other pain medication pills, and the pain became much less. It went back to about normal period cramps with a severe, sharp, cramp only every once and a while. I stayed home all day that day, and just mostly layed on the couch.
In the next couple days, I continued to take the pain medication as often as I needed it and as was ok according to the directions, and I was able to go about my days pretty much like normal. The bleeding was a little more heavy than normal, and I did experience the large clots that the clinic tells you about, but other than that, everything was fine.
I never told my parents about the pregnancy, or the abortion. It has been 3 months now, and I don't know if I will ever tell them.
I did end up telling the guy, but it was after the abortion. I'm not sure how he felt/feels about it, but I think it was important for him to know, and it was a release for me to tell him. It was hard not telling him because I was always thinking about whether I should or not and it was hard to keep that secret. I felt much better after telling him. We are very good friends still, and I don't ever feel awkward around him or think about the abortion all the time around him.
I feel something very important I got out of this whole experience was my feelings about abortion changed. I now believe that abortion is a right EVERY woman should have. If I had not been able to have an abortion, my life would have been completley turned upside down. I truly feel my future would have been lost, and knowing the guy, he would have wanted to be involved with the child, and his life would have been much harder as well.
I sometimes think about where I would be right now if I hadn't had the abortion. I'll be sitting watching tv and a baby food commercial will come on and I'll think, I would have just been starting to show, or, I'll count and figure out what day the baby would have been born on. But I don't feel sorry, and I never feel pain or sorrow. Life feels much easier, and I'm not always worrying anymore. Now, I just feel free.
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