I had an abortion when I was 17 years
old, it was on October 17, 1996. It was the worst day of my life. I went into
the clinic, my brother drove me, he being 4 years older than me, and working in
conjunction with my mother, forced me to do it. There was no way at the time I
could have raised a baby on my own, but all the same I felt horrible about what
I was doing.
I was given medicine to numb me or put me out although it
not affect me at all. I was led by a nurse into a small room, told to strip down
to my socks, and lie down on the table, so I did. A couple minutes later the doctor
came in. He said nothing, he didn't even look at me. He just opened me up and
started sticking things inside of me. I could feel him inside me and it felt like
he was ripping me apart. The nurse came in and gave me a shot and held me still.
I couldn't stand the pain. I was crying hysterically. It felt like eternity and
I was so sad. I felt so alone. When he was done he just got up and walked out
The nurse helped me get dressed and they led me into another room
where I was told to lie down on the couch until I was ready to go. I was still
crying hysterically. They acted as if nothing had happened I lay there for a long
time. The medication was taking affect now but I was numb inside. Other women
walked in and out as if it were nothing and I felt stupid because I couldn't let
it go. They finally asked me to leave but I didn't want to. The whole way home
my brother yelled at me. He just kept asking if I was happy now? Well no I wasn't.
I know it may have been the right thing at the time but it still haunts
me. I sometimes think about her. I even have dreams about her, but she's not mine
she's someone else's. I never talked about it to anyone. I would always cry alone.
It hurts so much when you are all alone.
My name is Jenny. I'm 19 now, I'm
married and I have 2 babies: 17 months and 5 months old. I couldn't stand the
loss of my first child - I ended up pregnant again 7 months later but under very
different circumstances. I was able to keep these children of mine and it makes
me wonder if she is asking herself why didn't you keep me? That also makes me
sad to think about but I'm taking it one day at a time.Jenny
20 May 1999
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