I never thought this would happen to me...
Yesterday, I found out that I am pregnant. This
is so hard for me to deal with. I am crying as I write this. In four days I will
have an abortion - something I have never agreed with. I feel like such a hypocrite.
I was adamantly pro-life - until this happened to me.Thank
you for listening..........
I am so scared.
I can't even believe it all. A few days ago, I was a happy, outgoing and normal
20-year-old college girl. I am very active in school, and I make really good grades.
I love to party and hang out with my friends. Now, it seems as if I will never
be the same.
I am lucky to have the full support of my wonderful boyfriend
and mother. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. We live
together. We are so stupid - never once have we used protection. I just thought
it could never happen to me... we thought we were so careful. How foolish I am!!!
I cannot even explain the rush of emotion I felt coming out of the bathroom
with a positive test in my hands. I fell to my knees, and my boyfriend and I held
each other and cried. I really thought I would come out of the bathroom with a
negative test, and my boyfriend and I could breathe a sigh of relief, only to
return to our normal and happy lives. Not so.
So we went to the health
clinic to confirm the results... positive... more crying. My mother was coming
to visit me that day. She and her boyfriend pulled up in the driveway just as
we had returned from the health clinic. I couldn't even look her in the face.
I knew she could tell that something was wrong, but I had made up my mind that
I wasn't going to tell her. I pretended everything was normal.
she left, I fell apart. My boyfriend and I discussed our options and agreed abortion
was the right thing. We decided not to tell anyone. Later that night, we sat down
to watch a movie to try to get our minds off of everything. Then, I just had this
sudden feeling that I had to tell my mom. So I told her this morning. She said
she had a dream last night that I was pregnant. She understood and is supporting
Hiding this from the rest of my family will be so hard
- especially because they are Catholic and pro-life. I feel so guilty. I feel
guilty that I am not giving my baby a chance. I feel guilty that my family looks
at me with the utmost respect, and now I am going to go through with this. I feel
guilty that my boyfriend's family will never know about their unborn grandchild.
I feel guilty because I always tried to defend the pro-life stance. Hopefully,
this guilt will go away with time.
I have read that the procedure is
quick and relatively painless. I am not really worried about that. I am worried
that these feelings will never go away.
Am I being selfish? This is
my fault, and I should take responsibility for my actions. Will God hate me for
this? I was raised Catholic, but since high school, I have continued to question
my beliefs. I don't know what I believe. But I am scared God will not forgive
me. He has given me something that so many people are trying desperately to have,
and I am just throwing it away. I know that I cannot have this baby. It may sound
as if I should, but the truth is that I am not ready to be a mother. I should
have thought about that every time I had unprotected sex.
I worry that
my baby does have feelings and a soul, and I am not giving it a chance. I pray
that he or she will forgive me and will get another chance. I have been apologizing
to God and the baby all day. I went to my classes today in a daze. No one knew
I was thinking about abortion rather than the class material. I have so much going
on in my life right now. I can't make time for a baby - a baby that deserves the
time to grow up healthy and happy as I have. I cherish life more than anything
and now I am ending a life. I have even selfishly prayed for a miscarriage so
that all of this guilt and pain will go away.
So I guess that even though
I am not completely comfortable with my decision yet, I feel that it is the only
thing I can do. I have to finish school. I have to have fun. I have learned one
of life's greatest lessons.
I wish no one else had to go through this.
But sadly, they will. I hope that my story will help. It has helped me to tell
it. I will probably update this story after I have the abortion. Right now, I
am going to try and heal by writing a letter to God, to my unborn child, to my
mother and to my family that will never know. Please pray for me, as I will pray
for others like me.
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is such an awesome experience - it deserves to be respected and wanted.