I still remember that night like it was yesterday. I had taken several tests before this and with each pregnancy scare they were all negative. But this time it was different. And there it was: those two pink lines in the tiny screen.
Confusion, excitement, fear, happiness every emotion possible all at once and all I could do is cry.
We were going to keep it, Name her Elliana Paige for a girl and Nolan Anthony for a boy. Life was stressful, but every night before I went to bed these words came out of my mouth "Mommy loves you baby, and mommy will keep you safe. I promise."
A few weeks later I had told my mom, she told me I had to get an abortion and I disagreed. I told my boyfriend about it, he disagreed also. But how were we going to do this? I was the only one with a job barely even making enough money for a car payment. A few weeks later we had gotten into an argument and he told me I had to get an abortion. I was pressured by my mother and my boyfriend.
So that Friday morning Feb. 4 2011, I killed my baby. I was 7 weeks 5 days. I took the pill and came home. The next day I watched everything come out of me and I watched my baby flush down the drain. Two days later my boyfriend left me. I was alone, scared, and angry - how the hell was I supposed to forgive myself?
I started getting nightmares, its been two months since the abortion I still have dreams about my baby almost every night. I'm on my period and its the worse thing in the world not because its my period, but because the images of all the blood. The night I took my abortion pill, I bleed so much I passed out on my bathroom floor, my mother had to find me in a puddle of blood unconscious, she had to clean me and everyday i think, why couldn't God take me that night?
I still feel alone sometimes but then I know there's A LOT more women out there like me. Things are still rough but I know my baby is safe. I miss him/her a lot and will never forget them. Ever. Mommy will always love you no matter how big, or how small.
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