Heather's Story

I had my abortion 3 years ago, and I still feel very sad about it.

I had been seeing a guy for a few months when I found out I was pregnant. We were both young, I was 20 and he was 19 and we didn't know how we would raise a child together. I had a couple years of school and I was living at home, and he had a small apartment and was in his first year of college.

We thought about having the baby...we picked out names, tried to figure out a small and fast wedding plan. I was afraid that he wouldn't love me forever, because we were only getting married because I was pregnant. I wanted to know that we were truly in love and that was the reason we were getting married not because we had to. I didn't want to be a single mom either I was absolutely terrified of raising a child by myself.

One day my mom was at work and I called her and I just started crying. She said "What's wrong? Are you pregnant?" I couldn't believe she knew so I told her I was. At that point she said "You are going to have an abortion." She completely hated my boyfriend and she didn't want me to see him anymore and she wouldn't let my talk to me when he called me.

I was 6 weeks pregnant when I had my abortion and I have a daily reminder of it. There is always something...a commercial, a friend, an e-mail.

I am now married to the same guy and my mom adores him now (can you believe that?). She was just worried about me ruining my life and giving up opportunities. I guess I wouldn't have this guilt if I know that I made the decision on my own, but I didn't I felt forced into it by her.

Now I can't wait to have children, but we have decided to wait at least 8 more years until we really ready. I feel ready now, but my life keeps leading me in different directions.

We just bought a our dream house (at ages 22 and 23) and I just got a new job in a new city and I'm going to be working long hours and so is he. So, at the same time I still feel guilty, but we never could have accomplished this much so fast with a baby.

The night before I had the abortion I had a dream that I was holding her and she was looking up at me and she had dark hair and bright blue eyes. She was so beautiful her name was Annaleise.

Anyway, I still have entirely too many emotions about this I wish I could just get over it, but I can't. Sometimes I really get p*ssed off about it because we are married anyway, and we could have done this together. Ok I'm completely babbling about this, but I'm just emotional.

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