Gilda's Story

It was my freshman year in college, when I went out to the bar. I didn't get carded so I was drinking, probably more than I should have, although the plan for the night was just to shoot some pool. My apartment was the closest so my friends and I went back to my place for the night. Should have known it was going to be trouble because everyone had been drinking but, at the time, we all just wanted to go to bed.

I woke up and he was on top of me, my other friend passed out drunk across the room. I tried to push him off of me, but I'm about 5'4" 140 pounds, and he was 6' 300 pounds. He finished up and I forced him out of my apartment, with the help of my now not passed out friend.

I found out about a month later that I was pregnant. I had no idea what to do!! Here I was 19, a freshman in college, working three pat time jobs just to make ends meet, lucky if I would sleep ten hours a week, just recently moved into my own place after bouncing from one friend's couch to another.

I spoke with my parents, a very close friend, wise beyond her years, and my aunt. I spent every spare second researching my options, and I decided that there was no way I could take care of a child at this point in my life. I made the appointment and had my procedure completed, but that was where the real problem started; I hated myself. I couldn't believe what I had just done.

I became very introverted, more so than ever before in my life. I was afraid to leave my house because I thought everyone knew just by looking at me. I refused to sleep in my own apartment, because it was a constant reminder of what had happened. I finally started hanging out with friends again, people that had no idea what I had done, life was seemingly back to normal. When I started dating again, months later, I didn't tell the guy. I simply couldn't bring myself to do it.

Months went by as things started getting serious with him, I met his daughter. This was new territory for me, I had never been with someone with a child. The more he brought her around the deeper it hurt that I didn't have my child with me.

Finally, about a year into our relationship, he asked me to marry him, I realized I had to tell him, I could live the lie no longer. I broke down and told him, figured it would do one of two things, make us stronger, or push him away, but either way he deserved to know. At first he pulled away, wouldn't talk to me, look at me, touch me, nothing., I feared we were done. Finally he came around, told me he didn't agree with what I had done, couldn't believe I had done it but that it was in the past. I felt a sense of relief sweep over me as he said those words.

Since that day, there have been many discussions, and many tears shed because of the situation I faced. He said "If only I had met you a few months earlier, you would have never been faced with that decision." We are still together, it will be four years this November. We were recently married, and are trying to have our own child now.

There was a point where I doubted telling anyone, a point where I doubted myself for the decision I made, and a point where I thought I would never deserve a chance at happiness because of what I had done. I am at a point now where I feel I have been given a second chance at life. I have a wonderful man by my side, a beautiful little girl in my heart, and am ready to face the world, because I found someone that accepts me, my past, and my flaws. I simply couldn't ask for anything more, and now I wonder what would have happened in my life if I had never made that decision almost five years ago? Would I still be where I am today? I don't know but at this point in my life, I wouldn't change it if I could.

May 2011

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