I was in love! He was everything I dreamed a man
could be: handsome, intelligent, spiritual, etc. We spent every evening together,
forsaking all others. Faith
Eventually, I became aware of other relationships
he was concurrently involved in. His time with me also diminished greatly. But
since I was head over heels in love, it did not matter. I was willing to settle
for his down time.
This lopsided relationship continued on for almost
two years, me available for his pleasures at his leisure. We did not even consider
using protection, which proved to be ignorant in hindsight. In the summer of 1995
my period was late. I took the home pregnancy test and is was positive!
Oh no, what was I to do? I phoned him several times, with no reply from him. Eventually
he returned my call, and asked if I was pregnant. When I said yes, he first sounded
excited about it. He talked about how we would have to inform my father and family
of the expected baby. I scheduled a medical appointment to confirm my pregnancy,
and it was 100 % positive. An ultrasound was done, and a picture was taken. There
was a life growing inside of me. My due date was April 17, 1996.
mixed emotions of surprise and excitement, I informed my family and friends of
my pregnancy. Everyone appeared excited for me, since I did not have any children,
nor did he. His phone calls lessened during this period. When he finally called
me, I informed him of my due date. He then stated that he wanted me to have an
He started giving examples of single mothers' struggles and
the financial responsibility of parenthood. He also worried what others would
think, since we both belonged to an organization with mutual friends. After all,
I was not his girlfriend, only a friend/sleeping partner whom he loved. So, with
severe emotional pain, I agreed to have the abortion to please him. He agreed
to accompany me to this appointment and pay for it.
When he picked me
up the morning of the appointment, you could have heard a piece of cotton hit
the floor: there was dead silence the entire ride to the clinic. As I entered
the room which would change my life forever, I trembled with doubt for the action
I was about to perform. I cried lying on the table.
The doctor tried
to comfort me by asking why I was going through with this. He said I had plenty
of time to make a decision. I informed him that I could not afford to take care
of my child. Thereafter he said no more.
He proceeded with the abortion
procedure. I was given a shot to deaden the pain, but it was not enough to deaden
the pain I still feel today. He was allowed to come into the recovery room with
me. He held my arm and hand as I cried, knowing that I had made a big mistake.
He said that we would have a baby once our lives became more stable. He brought
me home, and stayed over for a few hours, promising to call me later.
Well, the next day I was feeling well enough to attend a family reunion at a park
near his home. As I am driving down the street I notice him on his motorcycle
with a woman riding as his passenger. With an already aching heart from the abortion,
it felt like my heart was ripped from my chest cavity without an anesthetic. I
attempted to contact him several times so he could share my grief, since I felt
he contributed to it. He finally called me back and said that I just needed to
go back and I would feel better.
My feelings grew more and more embittered
towards him, but I was still in love. Grief, anger, guilt, remorse, love: I became
a bundle of emotions. I do not recall how we started talking again, but the abortion
was never mentioned by him again. We would speak of having a baby in a few years,
but that was it. I was so afraid that if I expressed my true feelings of pain
he would abandon me immediately, and I needed him in my life at all costs.
So our relationship was reestablished but the focus was not sexual. We both
began to mature and experience how invaluable our relationship was. The years
passed, and we began to experience a mutual and respectful love for each other.
One day tragedy struck: he was diagnosed with a cancerous spot on his
liver. He underwent several chemotherapies, and remained in pain most of the time.
His body deteriorated, but his spirit remained intact.
As his terminal
cancer progressed, he decided to "get some stuff off of his chest". So, he sent
me an e-mail which put me into total shock. He stated how he thinks daily for
the child I aborted, and he wished that I would have overridden his decision for
me to get rid of it. He talked about the pain he had experienced for the past
This revelation intensified the pain that I experience on a
daily basis. Imagine what was running through my mind: maybe my act caused his
terminal illness, he will die and not leave an heir/offspring, and its all my
He passed away in November of 1999. So his passing signified
me losing my dear love, him not leaving an heir (which was my fault), and my chances
of having a child with him unmet. I often hope that he is in Heaven with our child,
and that I will one day join them. At times the pain is so overwhelming that I
desire to take an early exit.
But I believe that God has a purpose for
my life, which is to help others travel through the city of Emotional Pain learning
the lessons that unfold. I have yet to learn my lesson, maybe because I am still
in so much pain from the abortion I had almost five years ago today. I live my
life one day at a time, knowing some days will be darker than others. Were if
not for God's grace and mercy I don't know where I would be today. Though the
days are lonely and dark, I will stand and commit and complete what God had chosen
for me to do.
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