While I was waiting in my doctors office, waiting to find out why I was feeling so sick, I emailed my mom and said, "I over heard the nurse talking, I might be f*cking pregnant!!" I never thought I would say these words...EVER.
The nurse came out smiling and said, "The test is positive!" I remember thinking, "meaning what?" All my friends had kids after they moved away or dropped off the radar and then had kids. I don't know too much about being pregnant or having kids. The nurse made it more clear for me, "you're pregnant!" I immediately started crying and told her I needed to step outside.
I called my mom first then my fiancee. As soon as the nurse had said that I was pregnant I know the choice we were going to have to make. It wasn't even a consideration of keeping this baby.
I'm not a cold hearted person or anything but I knew about making sacrifices in life. I had done many in my life. I remember thinking nine months, my wedding is set for... well exactly nine months. I would be huge and pregnant. My friends are traveling far to come to my wedding, how would I be able to show them around my town right after giving birth?? Is that selfish and conceited?? Well what about my diabetes?? It is out of control!! I wouldn't want to have a child and know it could possibly be born with birth defects because I cant take care of myself. I'm only 23 and can barely take care of myself let alone a child. Before my fiancee and I had even talked all this stuff over, I knew deep down that I wasn't ready to have a child and this just reconfirmed that more.
Within a few days I met with a doctor to discuss having an abortion. At that time I was only about five weeks along. The doctor said that we should wait a little longer before having the procedure, just to make sure they don't miss it or anything. The next week I had my pre-op and the following Monday I had the procedure done. My mom had been out of town during the week of my procedure and I remember thinking, I'm so upset and wish my mom was here, here to help me have an abortion. How is it that I was so upset that my mom wasn't here to take care of me, I could have been a mom. And maybe twenty years down the road been doing the exact same thing. That was a scary thought.
Right before I was put under anesthetic I was freaking out. Actually, from when they took me out of the waiting area and I had to say goodbye to my fiancee I was scared, but only scared for me. Scared that something bad would happen and I would die. Not scared for this child that I was "getting rid of". Am I really that selfish!!??
They wheeled me into the operating room, awake, and I saw all the tools and instruments. I really started to panic. I moved onto the operating table and went to sleep. I woke up in recovery thinking, "that's it? did they do it right? that was so fast!" It was done. Now I would just have to take it easy at home.
Its been three days since I had the procedure done. My body feels fine, my emotions are fine. I haven't cried, I had done all my crying for three weeks. I really don't feel horrible like I thought I would. I keep asking myself... Am I really that selfish?? I don't need to keep re-affirming why I made the choice I did. I made MY choice and had my loved ones right by my side. My doctor and the hospital staff were great!! I couldn't have asked for things to have gone better given the situation.
The only advice I can offer, for any decision in life is, trust your instincts. No matter what happens the first thought you have in any situation is going to be the right choice. I hope by sharing my story that it will help someone in a similar situation.
2 Septmeber 2008
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is sometimes painful to pick up the pieces and go on living. It takes much courage
to confront the limits of my power and yet be willing to try again. The more I
yearn to serve, the more aware of my own shortcomings I become." Carol Osborne
in The Art of Resilience