My period was late... I knew that,
but I had never been extremely regular even on birth
control. I was on birth control, and had been for a couple of years. I took
my pill most every day and did not
give a lot of thought to the days I forgot. I was busy. I was in college, working,
living on my own, and trying to keep up with a long distance relationship.
got to the point where I would not take my "green" sugar pills. It was
just another thing I had to remember, and it was nice to have a week off. Sometimes,
I forgot that first Monday, but I normally remembered by Tuesday. That's what
I thought had happened this last time until I looked at the calendar one last
time... I had not forgot one day, I had forgotten the whole entire week! This
was bad. It was worse than bad, and I still hadn't gotten my period. This was
Thursday. On Friday, I took a pregnancy test (which came up positive), and told
my boyfriend of two years. He freaked out, of course. I was 19, and he was 24.
I was more frightened than I had ever been in my entire life. I was scared
of disappointing my dad, I was scared of changing the path I had imagined my life
taking, and I was scared that although I loved my boyfriend, I didn't necessarily
felt comfortable being tied to him for the rest of my life.
So on Saturday,
the day after my realization, I went in for an abortion. I couldn't bear to think
of having a surgical abortion so I chose for a natural type instead. I thought
it would be "easier," as if anything about an abortion is easy...I went
by myself. My "boyfriend" who I thought loved me so much didn't want
to ask for the day off. I was too embarrassed to tell any of my friends. They
gave me a shot that Saturday, and then gave me four pills I would have to insert
into my vagina the following Thursday. It was quick and painless, and a little
As the week went on though, and the impact of everything finally
became clear, I wasn't so sure I had made the right decision. How could I have
killed my own child? I kept seeing the sonogram and the little smudge that was
growing inside of me. Who was I to decide that her life was so trivial, it could
be terminated? and how could I have made such an important decision in a matter
of a day? I changed my mind, but it was too late.
The shot I had gotten
at the doctor had stopped her development. If I didn't use the pills to flush
her out, she would be born dead or extremely unhealthy and wouldn't live more
than a couple of weeks. I hated myself. I hated my boyfriend. I wished I could
die to save that innocent child's life. I will never have an abortion again, and
I will never recommend it to anyone.
Although, after all these years I
can't imagine what my life would be like with a child. I regret the decision I
made while still knowing that my life may be "easier" because of it.
I cannot preach antiabortion, and I would never look down upon someone who chooses
that option, but I just want everyone to know what the psychological consequence
may be. It's a heavy burden to carry, and the grief you experience can sometimes
seem unbearable. Don't rush into a decision because an abortion is not an easy
way out. When it comes down to it, there's nothing easy about it.Erin
4 December 2002
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have been in Sorrow's kitchen and licked out all the pots. Then I have stood on
the peaky mountain wrapped in rainbows, with a harp and a sword in my hands."
- Zora Neale Hurston