Emma's Story

Sixteen years ago I was a pregnant teenager, in love, foolish and naive about life. My family thought I was ruining my future when I met my ex-husband, got pregnant, and didn't have an abortion... now I'm facing the same decision again, a divorced, single mom, pregnant, with a daughter who is 16 years old now.

In this transitional time in my life, I feel so out of whack... numb... My biggest question is "How could I let this happen?" I'm 31 years old, have been divorced for 4 years, have three children who all will be grown adults in less then 6 years and I will only be 37. I was looking forward to being a young grandmother, not an older mom.

I remember facing this decision during each of my last four pregnancies, it was during the early weeks of the fourth pregnancy, when my husband (then of 8 years), and I made our choice. Even so, 8 years later, and it still eats at me. It has caused me to have onsets of depression, and took away from my self-image as a mother to the three children we already had. I'm not sure if I didn't even resent my husband afterwards for pressuring me into having an abortion and am positive that the emotions after the abortion lead to some of the reasons we divorced.

But things are different now. My partner and I are in love, but we're not married, in fact, we've only been dating 8 months, and we both are afraid of the impact a baby will have on our lives. Especially of the commitment. He doesn't ever want to have children, and I already have three. Of course he wants me to have an abortion, but says he'll stand behind me either way... which after reading some of these stories, I guess I should feel fortunate. But for some reason, I don't. Just feel confused, depressed and angry at him for putting me in this situation.. But am more angry at myself for allowing it to happen.

Emma
27 January 1999