I am 19 years old and had an abortion last October.Thank you for letting me share my story.
I became pregnant by a man I'd been with for almost a year. I was 17 and
in my junior year of high school, he was 22. We had often talked about getting
married and having children together. But he was not a stable person and he became
abusive and manipulative to me as our relationship progressed.
between us got worse and worse so I broke up with him last May. I found out I
was one month pregnant in June. I told my ex that I was pregnant and he freaked
out and told me that I had to have an abortion.
I still loved him very
much and I'd always wanted to be a mother, I would not have an abortion. Even
though everything in my life felt like it was coming undone, I was really exited
about the baby. It gave me hope and motivation to do good things with my life
so that I could provide for another life.
I was scared to tell my parents
about my pregnancy and my friends seemed too busy with their own problems to listen
to me and were unsupportive of my wanting the baby. This left me relying heavily
on my ex-boyfreind's ever-changing input. One day he'd say he loved me and wanted
to be a good father and the next day he'd threaten to tell my parents if I refused
to terminate my pregnancy. Throughout this emotional roller coaster, the one thing
I knew very clearly was that I was completely in love with this person growing
Four and a half months passed and I began to feel the baby
swimming and kicking in my belly which was quickly growing and getting hard to
hide. One night my mother just came out and asked if I was pregnant. I just started
sobbing. She and my dad told me I had to have an abortion, that I wouldn't be
a good mother at my age, that the father of my baby would never help us out, that
I'd have to go on welfare, etc. They also told me that if I chose to have the
baby I would no longer have a place to live, that I would then be forced to drop
out of high school to get a job and that if I wasn't living with them my baby
and I wouldn't be able to receive insurance. They did not want to even discuss
adoption. So to me it felt like I had no real "choice" but to abort my baby.
I went to a clinic and had an ultrasound done. My baby was a boy. I
watched him suck his thumb and the nurse gave me a picture of him. I was so proud
and happy. I showed the father but he just ignored the picture and told me he
would never see me again and that he was moving out of state. I went home and
showed my parents the picture of their grandchild-to-be. But for reasons beyond
me they still did not think of this person as real, they did not know or care
how much they were taking away from me. They even had the audacity to say that
this was for the own good of my child. As if never being born was doing some sort
I had the abortion, most of which I do not remember. All I
know is that I forced myself to be in a zombie-like state so I could go through
I talked to my son, trying to explain to his soul why I couldn't
have him at that time, asking for forgiveness. I told him how much I wanted him
and that I loved him more then I'd ever loved anyone. I also prayed to God to
bring him back to me at a better time in my life. I named him Yoshua after my
cousin in Israel. I think about the son whose life I gave up with much grief,
sadness and guilt, even though in a way I guess I did the best I could at the
time. Still, what if?
I have moved on in many aspects of my life and
am starting college next month. I have a lot of resentment towards my parents,
however, and no matter how much I love them, this really strains our relationship.
Any advice on how I can deal with all these issues would be greatly appreciated.
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catches fire when it draws upon its inherent spirituality. When it does not, it
is just one more form of politics, and politics never fed our deepest hunger."
-Carol Lee Flinders author of At the Root of This Longing