Elsa's Story
My two abortions

I'm a 33 year old female who has had two abortions ....i had my first one when i was 18 and in college...i am adopted and i've always had the fear of being 'sent back' to where i came from held over my head...i was scared of my adoptive parents growing up! i couldn't go to them with anything...so in my head i had been given up by a woman i didn't know and the woman who raised me threatened to "send me back to where i came from" ....i felt powerless...and angry ...

so when i found myself pregnant i froze in fear....all i could think was NO...this isn't happening and i dialed the clinic so fast it made my head spin...i had the abortion the next day! i didn't even THINK of myself or the feelings or the fact that i had a BABY growing in me....all i could think was no ...my parents will throw me out and not pay for college....

afterward...the guilt and shame and fear were strong... as i am adopted i felt that whoever gave birth to me had given me the gift of life and i wasn't made of the same stuff!! I was in a severe depression...my self-esteem was nonexistant.

I found myself in the same situation five years later at age 23...i was in another relationship and using marijuana to escape the pain of the first abortion....i did the same thing again...and was so numb i couldn't believe it happened again...i was truly being careful!! I downright hated myself then...it finally took really turning to God and Jesus to forgive me...( i had asked forgiveness at the times) but i asked to have peace for my decisions and peace in my existence....my prayers were granted and i have struggled to heal with books, prayer and counseling!!

I do not openly talk about my 2 abortions past...my husband does not know...(the two men with whom i shared the experiences know) and 2 girlfriends .....i am ashamed...i was given the chance at life from a woman who gave birth to me and i find myself in the same boat and i COULD NOT DO IT. i hope to become a counselor and help other women in all areas of life issues...adoption abortion and families. i want to start a family of my own one day soon..god willing and i also hope to talk about this to my husband one day....

i am getting stronger every day and i have even been reunited with my birthmother....i feel my heart has thawed and i love myself now and i love life and once i get the nerve to tell my husband he will totally know me....he doesn't know the depth of my pain completely. but...i must say i am grateful that i live in the united states of america and that i had the right to make my own choices....because at the time of my abortions ....my mind was I CAN"T DO THIS.

15 June 2002

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"For a woman to be a lesbian in a male-supremacist, capitalist, misogynist, racist, homophobic, imperialistic culture, such as that of North America, is an act of resistance."
- by Cheryl Clarke in 1981