Today is June 8th. I WAS pregnant and my due date
was for June 6th.......... I had an abortion when I was 10 weeks pregnant......
& I always think about him or her. Now, I'll see babies on TV or anywhere I go,
and I think about how beautiful they are... how beautiful mine would've been.
I didn't feel so bad after I got my abortion done & didn't think I would get depressed
about it, but, as time passes by, I think more and more of my baby. I'm still
with the dad, and he stood by my side, even though, he didn't want me to do it.
I think now, he secretly in his heart hates me for going through with it. D.
The choice I had to make was the most difficult decision that I have ever
had to make in my life. And it's no one else's decision, but yours. -- If you
are reading this for support, PLEASE remember that!
When I told everyone
who I could confide in, some said keep it, some said don't keep it, some said
it's your choice.
What made me so angry was when my friends who were
Pro-Life kept pressuring me not to have the abortion and to keep the baby or give
it up for adoption. They just couldn't stand the idea of me killing my baby. --Like
I wasn't having a hard enough time figuring out what the heck I was going to do,
they had to say this and make the decision harder for me. Sometimes, I would just
feel so stressed out that I would just want to scream out at them, "Leave me alone!!!!
This is MY body!!!! This is MY decision!!!! I bet you would feel different if
you were in my position!!! I'll do what I think is best for me to do!!!!!!! You
won't be the one that has to stay up in the middle of night with them!!!! You
won't be the one that has to support them!!!!!!!! You won't be going through the
labor pain!!!!! Just shut up!!!!" I know that sounds really mean, but I really
did feel like that. And when I think back that, I still get mad at them.
Having to make that decision literally drove me crazy! I couldn't sleep at
night, I couldn't eat, I couldn't think, I couldn't work when I was at work. Time
was creeping up on me faster and faster, and I still had no answer.
What made things even harder for me is that my siblings and I are the first generation
of my family to be raised in America. My parents frown on me dating other races,
and want me to continue with the native custom. All I've ever tried to tell my
parents is that I was born here in America, All I know is what I've learned from
growing up here. If I had decided to keep it and my father found out about me
getting pregnant, he would probably have disowned me and shot my boyfriend. (no
joke) If my mother (she's the easier one to get along with) had ever found out,
her heart probably would've tore in half. And I don't even want to imagine what
else! I would've been a disgrace to all of my relatives that found out I was having
an "American" baby & my relatives really know how to gossip. I COULD NOT do that
to my family.
I just want you and everyone else to know that I did what
I thought was best for me at the time. I was 18, just out of school, and I could
hardly take care of myself! What you decide should be what's best for you. I don't
ever want to go through what I went through ever again.
I was so scared
when I got the abortion. Sitting in that waiting room, I just wanted to get up
and run out. But, I realized that wouldn't solve anything. I had to face the consequences
and have the abortion or keep the baby. By the time I got into the operating room,
I was so nervous and afraid. Afraid that things weren't going to turn out well,
and nervous about the pain. I was all alone in that room waiting for the doctor,
and I deep down wished it had been my boyfriend going through all of this instead
of me. I was mad at him the whole 10 weeks I was pregnant because he had no clue
what I was going through, (the sickness and puking, the mood swings, etc.) and
I felt he deserved it as much as I did to know how it all felt. I mean, we were
in this together.
I'm glad to say though, I didn't feel a thing when
I had the abortion. The thing that hurt the most was the prick of the needle used
to take my blood. Even the IV wasn't that bad. (I
was put to sleep)
Well, there was another thing that I didn't enjoy.
That was when the nurses woke me up. I was SO drowsy. I just wanted to sleep.
I couldn't eat or drink anything. In the waiting room, they gave me 7 Up and when
I took it with my pill, I almost immediately spit it all back up. That's the worst
of it if you get put to sleep. Everyone's different, I know. But, It's really
not as bad as they say, or as you think. So, don't be scared.
the things that I kept telling myself that helped me get through this was: IT'LL
BE OVER IN NO TIME. IN 6 HOURS (or however long), I'M GOING TO BE AT HOME IN MY
BED, AND THIS WHOLE NIGHTMARE WILL BE OVER. And indeed it was. It was over like
that, and I really can't believe it was almost 7 months ago.
9 June 2000
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