This is a long story, but it makes me
feel better to tell it.
I was 28 when I divorced my husband, we had a 3
1/2 year old son, I received primary custody. I had not been using birth
control so I decided to use the IUD.
I was dating two guys after the divorce, one guy (Steve) I was having sex with
and we were getting close, and the other guy I occasionally went out with. I was
trying not to get close with anyone to give myself a breather from being married
and was trying to get over the divorce. Then I realized I had missed my period,
I went to the doctor and sure enough I was pregnant. He took out the IUD and said
I could lose the baby, if so, it would be within a couple weeks. I was so scared,
I was a single mother and did not know who was the father. I did not wait to see
if I would lose it, I had Steve take me to a clinic and I terminated the pregnancy.
3-years later, Steve and I were still together, but it was rocky and we
had a fight and he kicked me out of his house. I was a waitress. I had no family
near except my ex-mother-in-law. She was nice enough to let me stay with her.
I was bruised and scraped up from him kicking me out. I was trying to get my shoes
on but he wouldn't let me get them so he choked me and threw me around. I know
I did not say or doing anything that deserved the way he treated me. Shortly after
that I found out I was pregnant.
Alone in a town with no family, I decided
to keep the baby, but every day Steve would show up at my work and tell me he
did not want it, and to get an abortion. I wanted the baby, because I thought
I still loved him, and I wanted to have part of him. Then one day I had a panic
attack, I thought: I will be alone, how can I do this? What about my son? What
about his financial well being? I would have no support. Obviously, Steve would
not be of any help. So I called him and he took me to get my 2nd abortion. He
told me he was so proud of me that day after the abortion. He took me back to
his house to stay for a few days. I remember I was very depressed about it, I
hurt and felt a loss.
I went home to my son, and I was depressed for a
while, I tried to remain busy with friends and work. I finally started feeling
better, I had not talked or seen Steve, and about 2 months after that he stopped
by my house and asked me to forgive him and that he hoped God forgave him. This
was very confusing to me because, he wanted to start seeing me again. So we dated,
I think he was just feeling guilty.
About 1-year later, I was hired by a
lawyer to be his office manager, taking me away from the waiting tables. He trained
me and sent me to computer classes. It was a 8-5 job, so much better than the
night job of waiting tables. I was excited, I got a break. I took it. In the meantime,
Steve was coming over to my house every now and then. Steve was dating another
girl (his wife now) I was seeing another guy as well. But I had a hard time letting
go of Steve. Why? I do not know. Maybe because he had given me an engagement
ring, and at one time I felt he loved me.
Anyway, I find out I am pregnant
again. I thought about keeping it but I couldn't with a new job, and a single
boss who did not have any children or had never been married. How would I explain
it? I was so embarrassed with myself. Did I not learn the lesson from the last
one? Now I have had 3 abortions. Why me? Sometimes I feel so guilty. I wish
I could erase it but I cannot.
My son is 18 years old now, and I feel my
role changing, as he prepares to go out in the world. If I would of kept one I
would have a 9 or 10 year old with me. I am still single, and still live away
from my family.
I hope someday I can just know in my heart I did the right
thing. At the time I thought I knew, but reflecting hurts me. I need to stop reflecting,
and go on with the future. Christy
7 April 1999
more stories -- share your story