My name is Christy and I'm a 22 yr old
college student. I had my abortion in the Spring of 1997. I haven't really talked
to many people in my life about it but have gotten a lot of support through those
I've met on the internet who have had similar situations. My story is a little
complicated and happens over a course of 3 yrs. Those 3 yrs changed my life forever.
When I arrived at this college I was very lonely and immediately started
to date various men. I was never allowed to have a boyfriend at home...my parents
were very strict. I was a virgin and was waiting for the "right one"...
Still, I messed around with these guys to a point.
One night while sleeping
over with a man I was seeing, we were fooling around and I stopped and told him
that I didn't want to have sex but we could do other things. A few minutes later
though, he was inside of me... I told him to stop. He did, but there I was. No
longer a virgin, right after saying NO, having unprotected sex. He felt bad and
was scared that I may have gotten pregnant. He actually said something like he
could "push me off the bed" (his idea of me miscarrying). He left the
room and we never really talked since. Luckily for me, I wasn't pregnant but I
had changed. He took something away from me-even if he wasn't violent about it.
I didn't care anymore about anything.
I started to drink and this sort
of incident happened two more times ... though I didn't have the ability to say
no at the time. Then I finally straightened up and found a wonderful man. This
time, he was the virgin and after making sure we were in love, we started to have
sex-always protected (and I started birth
I had told him about how I lost my virginity but didn't go
into great detail about the rest of my relationships. I had been tested for everything
when I first started seeing him just to make sure that he and I had nothing else
to worry about and I just wanted to forget about it. One night he found and read
parts of my diary. He found out about the other two men and blamed me for lying
to him. ("You knew I was a virgin...how could you lie to me about this..")
I never told him that there was only one other, but I never told him that were
others either. I felt terrible but the damage was done.
He broke up with
and that was that. I then sank back into a depression and didn't care again. I
started seeing a guy who I thought was just going to be a one-night stand ...
and then he slept with my best friend ... then I dated a guy who was an alcoholic
and beat me up the last night I was with him. This man also gave me an std
(hpv) but, when I went into the doctors office to be treated for my outbreak,
I found out that I had a different std. How could that be? Remember the wonderful
virgin? Well, he had cold sores ... and now I have genital herpes. He doesn't
know and I don't know where he is. Somewhere he thinks of me as someone who betrayed
him ... but he doesn't know just how much I suffer because of him ... I ended
up getting the other one (that the alcoholic had) too ... about a month later.
I was at the lowest time of my life...men walking on me, my best friend betraying
me, two std's to deal with. What else could go wrong?
I ended up dating
a guy a few months later who had been there through most of this mess. He was
sweet and loving and I was completely happy with my life. The only problem is
he was almost 4 yrs. younger than me and his parents hated me. They threatened
me with the police and caused me so much pain. I knew I shouldn't be doing this
to myself but I really cared about this young man and I didn't feel he was that
much younger than me. We were torn apart for long periods of time because of his
parents but the relationship was very good. He had dropped out of school but went
back and eventually got into college and was/is doing well.
he changed and we had numerous problems with his cheating and he started lying
to me and doing various strange things. We constantly broke up and got back together
... over and over. Eventually our relationship was only about sex and fighting.
Then I ended up pregnant. I had quit the pill a few years before because I would
forget to take it and my menstrual cycle would go out of wack. I hadn't planned
on having sex much either. But mostly I just didn't care.
My life was a
huge mess. I told him on the night that he had gotten back from wherever his parents
had sent him ... it was his 18th birthday. (I was 21). I was about 10-12 weeks
along already. When I had missed my first period, I took a pregnancy test and
it was negative. But then I missed another ... something wasn't right. I went
to the college's clinic and they confirmed my fear. I asked the doctor's opinion
and she said if I was her daughter, she'd suggest an abortion. We are too young,
in college, no support....
This guy basically left it up to me. He left
for college and I heard rumors that he was cheating on me again. Of course he
denied it but I knew he was lying. We would fight on the phone constantly. It
was killing me. The last thing he said to me while I was pregnant was "shut
the f--- up...and stop calling me...." All I wanted was for him to talk to
me about this. Whenever I called him, he was never home or just getting ready
to leave ... yet he claimed he still loved me ... I just simply needed him. I
broke up with him and finally made the decision to terminate my pregnancy.
old friend (male) from high school drove me to the clinic ... about 2 hours away.
I was very nervous, expecting people to be screaming at me as I walked in, but
all was quiet. I was asleep for the procedure but the doctors and nurses were
very nice and comforting. After it was over, I found myself sitting in a large
chair in a room with other girls who had just had the procedure done as well.
I was shocked to see this but it was a comfort to know I wasn't alone. I felt
slightly crampy but the emotional pain was more intense than the physical. How
could I have gotten myself into this mess?
The next day, the ex-boyfriend
called me ... saying he had a dream that he saw me 10 yrs from now with a little
child but someone else as the father. I broke the news to him about the baby.
He cried and said he'd call me later. A few weeks later he quit college and came
back into town. He asked me to go back to him but I couldn't. I simply did not
trust him anymore and never would. But, he managed to get to me somehow and we
went back to the mad cycle of fighting and making up.
The abortion was
another strain. I went through erratic mood swings ... I would cry, want to get
pregnant again to make up for the loss, then feel I did the right thing. I named
the child Star and the father and I would talk about it though not much. We'd
end up crying and leaving it alone. In the heat of one fight he called me a murderer.
I have never forgiven him for that. He wasn't there for me ... so I feel he abandoned
both of us. He would've done that even if I kept that child.
I still go
through phases where I regret what I did but in the long run I feel it was the
best choice I could've made. I was afraid of being pregnant. I was sick everyday
with worry and just stayed in bed and cried. I was worried about my illnesses
affecting the baby. I was afraid that I would miscarry since I was so sick and
crampy every day. I was afraid of his parents finding out. I was afraid of all
the future court battles I would have to face with custody and child support.
I was too emotionally and financially unstable provide for that child. I didn't
have much support in the ways of friends or family. My new best friend was/is
very religious and didn't support my decision (but she stuck by me anyway...)
and my mother couldn't make up her mind what she thought was best.
not sure why I've decided to lay all of this out like this. It's probably too
long to be posted. I just know that I had to get this out of my system somehow.
The events in the last 3 yrs have at least made me a stronger person in some ways.
I take much better care of myself and look at relationships different but I'm
so worn out. I guess what hurts me the most is that I knew better! I had a good
education and knew all the consequences involved. I just didn't care.
we all make mistakes. You know, the ironic thing about all of this is that one
guy ... who didn't listen when I said no ... is in my women's studies class this
summer ... and today when we had our group discussion about abortion ... he didn't
say a word.
As far as my decision goes now ... I regret that I had to come
face to face with that situation and wish I would have been in a better time in
my life to deal with it BUT I'm VERY grateful for those who made it possible that
I had the choice to terminate my pregnancy. I hope our right to choose is never
taken away and that the war over this would end someday.Christy
more stories -- share your story
people are unaware that it is possible to contract genital
herpes from a cold sore on the mouth, with or without oral sex.