Christy's Story

My name is Christy and I'm a 22 yr old college student. I had my abortion in the Spring of 1997. I haven't really talked to many people in my life about it but have gotten a lot of support through those I've met on the internet who have had similar situations. My story is a little complicated and happens over a course of 3 yrs. Those 3 yrs changed my life forever.

When I arrived at this college I was very lonely and immediately started to date various men. I was never allowed to have a boyfriend at home...my parents were very strict. I was a virgin and was waiting for the "right one"... Still, I messed around with these guys to a point.

One night while sleeping over with a man I was seeing, we were fooling around and I stopped and told him that I didn't want to have sex but we could do other things. A few minutes later though, he was inside of me... I told him to stop. He did, but there I was. No longer a virgin, right after saying NO, having unprotected sex. He felt bad and was scared that I may have gotten pregnant. He actually said something like he could "push me off the bed" (his idea of me miscarrying). He left the room and we never really talked since. Luckily for me, I wasn't pregnant but I had changed. He took something away from me-even if he wasn't violent about it. I didn't care anymore about anything.

I started to drink and this sort of incident happened two more times ... though I didn't have the ability to say no at the time. Then I finally straightened up and found a wonderful man. This time, he was the virgin and after making sure we were in love, we started to have sex-always protected (and I started birth control.)

I had told him about how I lost my virginity but didn't go into great detail about the rest of my relationships. I had been tested for everything when I first started seeing him just to make sure that he and I had nothing else to worry about and I just wanted to forget about it. One night he found and read parts of my diary. He found out about the other two men and blamed me for lying to him. ("You knew I was a virgin...how could you lie to me about this..") I never told him that there was only one other, but I never told him that were others either. I felt terrible but the damage was done.

He broke up with and that was that. I then sank back into a depression and didn't care again. I started seeing a guy who I thought was just going to be a one-night stand ... and then he slept with my best friend ... then I dated a guy who was an alcoholic and beat me up the last night I was with him. This man also gave me an std (hpv) but, when I went into the doctors office to be treated for my outbreak, I found out that I had a different std. How could that be? Remember the wonderful virgin? Well, he had cold sores ... and now I have genital herpes. He doesn't know and I don't know where he is. Somewhere he thinks of me as someone who betrayed him ... but he doesn't know just how much I suffer because of him ... I ended up getting the other one (that the alcoholic had) too ... about a month later. I was at the lowest time of my life...men walking on me, my best friend betraying me, two std's to deal with. What else could go wrong?

I ended up dating a guy a few months later who had been there through most of this mess. He was sweet and loving and I was completely happy with my life. The only problem is he was almost 4 yrs. younger than me and his parents hated me. They threatened me with the police and caused me so much pain. I knew I shouldn't be doing this to myself but I really cared about this young man and I didn't feel he was that much younger than me. We were torn apart for long periods of time because of his parents but the relationship was very good. He had dropped out of school but went back and eventually got into college and was/is doing well.

But eventually he changed and we had numerous problems with his cheating and he started lying to me and doing various strange things. We constantly broke up and got back together ... over and over. Eventually our relationship was only about sex and fighting. Then I ended up pregnant. I had quit the pill a few years before because I would forget to take it and my menstrual cycle would go out of wack. I hadn't planned on having sex much either. But mostly I just didn't care.

My life was a huge mess. I told him on the night that he had gotten back from wherever his parents had sent him ... it was his 18th birthday. (I was 21). I was about 10-12 weeks along already. When I had missed my first period, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. But then I missed another ... something wasn't right. I went to the college's clinic and they confirmed my fear. I asked the doctor's opinion and she said if I was her daughter, she'd suggest an abortion. We are too young, in college, no support....

This guy basically left it up to me. He left for college and I heard rumors that he was cheating on me again. Of course he denied it but I knew he was lying. We would fight on the phone constantly. It was killing me. The last thing he said to me while I was pregnant was "shut the f--- up...and stop calling me...." All I wanted was for him to talk to me about this. Whenever I called him, he was never home or just getting ready to leave ... yet he claimed he still loved me ... I just simply needed him. I broke up with him and finally made the decision to terminate my pregnancy.

An old friend (male) from high school drove me to the clinic ... about 2 hours away. I was very nervous, expecting people to be screaming at me as I walked in, but all was quiet. I was asleep for the procedure but the doctors and nurses were very nice and comforting. After it was over, I found myself sitting in a large chair in a room with other girls who had just had the procedure done as well. I was shocked to see this but it was a comfort to know I wasn't alone. I felt slightly crampy but the emotional pain was more intense than the physical. How could I have gotten myself into this mess?

The next day, the ex-boyfriend called me ... saying he had a dream that he saw me 10 yrs from now with a little child but someone else as the father. I broke the news to him about the baby. He cried and said he'd call me later. A few weeks later he quit college and came back into town. He asked me to go back to him but I couldn't. I simply did not trust him anymore and never would. But, he managed to get to me somehow and we went back to the mad cycle of fighting and making up.

The abortion was another strain. I went through erratic mood swings ... I would cry, want to get pregnant again to make up for the loss, then feel I did the right thing. I named the child Star and the father and I would talk about it though not much. We'd end up crying and leaving it alone. In the heat of one fight he called me a murderer. I have never forgiven him for that. He wasn't there for me ... so I feel he abandoned both of us. He would've done that even if I kept that child.

I still go through phases where I regret what I did but in the long run I feel it was the best choice I could've made. I was afraid of being pregnant. I was sick everyday with worry and just stayed in bed and cried. I was worried about my illnesses affecting the baby. I was afraid that I would miscarry since I was so sick and crampy every day. I was afraid of his parents finding out. I was afraid of all the future court battles I would have to face with custody and child support. I was too emotionally and financially unstable provide for that child. I didn't have much support in the ways of friends or family. My new best friend was/is very religious and didn't support my decision (but she stuck by me anyway...) and my mother couldn't make up her mind what she thought was best.

I'm not sure why I've decided to lay all of this out like this. It's probably too long to be posted. I just know that I had to get this out of my system somehow. The events in the last 3 yrs have at least made me a stronger person in some ways. I take much better care of myself and look at relationships different but I'm so worn out. I guess what hurts me the most is that I knew better! I had a good education and knew all the consequences involved. I just didn't care.

Well, we all make mistakes. You know, the ironic thing about all of this is that one guy ... who didn't listen when I said no ... is in my women's studies class this summer ... and today when we had our group discussion about abortion ... he didn't say a word.

As far as my decision goes now ... I regret that I had to come face to face with that situation and wish I would have been in a better time in my life to deal with it BUT I'm VERY grateful for those who made it possible that I had the choice to terminate my pregnancy. I hope our right to choose is never taken away and that the war over this would end someday.

Christy
1998