The last four months have been one
of the most difficult times in my life. I never thought that this would ever happen
to me. I never thought that I would actually get pregnant before I was married.
I had been dating the guy for about six weeks and this happened after the first
time we had sex. When I told him, he was adamant that we had only one option.
This was the most agonizing decision I have ever made in my life. It didn't matter
how much research I did on the subject, I knew that I did not want to have to
make this decision. I also knew that 'he' would never stop pressuring me unless
I did have an abortion. A few weeks later, I made an appointment. Between the
time that I told him and that day, I cried continuously. I felt like I was going
30 years old
At the clinic, the therapist was no help. I sat in her office,
crying my eyes out with my sperm donor beside me, making sure that I went through
with it. It was almost like, the counselors didn't really care. They were more
concerned with getting as many people as possible through. The only reason I went
through with it was because I felt like I had no choice. I knew that 'he' wouldn't
leave me alone until I went through with it. That night, I spent the good part
of the night sobbing uncontrollably. I thought I was going mad, with fleeting
thoughts of suicide.
The next day, my boyfriend told me that he didn't
want to pursue anything with me because of what had happened. I felt completely
deserted. I felt like he left me all alone when I needed him the most.
Since then, I have had some very rough days, nights and weekends. Sometimes, I
don't know if I can cope or not. I feel immense grief and guilt over what I have
done. But, at the same time, I know that no matter what, there is no way I would
ever want to be a single parent. I want what everyone else wants. I want to be
happily married and be able to plan having children, just like everyone else.
I know I did not want the abortion, nor did I want to raise a child alone. I don't
think that I will ever know if I made the right decision. And I don't know what
I would do if I had to do it all over again. I don't know if I would make the
same choice or not, even after all the pain I feel. All I know is that I never
want to go through what I went through ever again.
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ability to learn is older - as it is also more widespread - than is the ability
- Margaret Mead